Find Me
by xoJulia
Summary: Emily Carson, a teenager in present-day New York City, comes across a notebook that leads her down road she never believed she could travel. this is more like a sequel to the movie .
1. Chapter 1

**(words in bold are Emily's journal entries)**

**You know the whole "life is fair vs. life is not fair" argument? Well, it's a dumb argument. Life is just…life. Some things that happen in life are fair and some are not. Take my life for example. It was fair that Dad got a nice paying job in New York City but it wasn't fair that he started sleeping with his secretary. How cliché was that? Anyway, it was fair that Mr. Mid-Life Crisis got an STD but it wasn't fair that my mom found out and started drinking. It was fair that the slutty secretary was fat for nine months but it wasn't fair that the twins got stuck with crappy parents. It was fair that my mother divorced Dad but it wasn't fair that the court granted him custody. So, you see? Life's just life and that's the way it is and there is nothing anyone can do about it.**

"What are you working on?" Michelle asked. "Yeah." Her twin sister added, "School hasn't even started yet. What are you writing?" "Nothing." I mumbled and stuffed my journal back into my bag. We were sitting in the back of Dad's newest investment, an imported silver sports car with tinted windows. He was driving, of course, and Cathy was riding shotgun. She turned around and smiled at me, "Sweetie, enjoy these last few minutes of freedom. Don't waste them on work, ok?" I rolled my eyes then glanced out the window at the tall buildings whizzing by in a blur, "It's not work. I like to journal. Writing is fun." Dad looked at me through the rear view mirror, "Listen to your mom. This is the big senior year. Try to have some fun with it; get involved, make some friends, meet some boys." Michelle and Mandy giggled. Dad's whole statement was a waste on me. For starters, that home wrecker will never be my mother. There is nothing at school I want to be involved in, I've tried to get friends but I just can't do it, and boys seem to be on a different plane of existence.

By now we were at the school. Mandy and Michelle hopped out of the car. This was their first year at the same school as me. Cathy rolled down her window to snap a quick picture of the twins with her phone. I gathered up my stuff and got out too, fixed the skirt of my uniform, and closed the door. "Bye, kiddos!" Dad called, as I made my way to the school with Mandy and Michelle following behind. The girls yelled "bye" and I just waved in that general direction.

When we got inside, I walked the girls to their first class. It took awhile since, every time they saw someone they knew, they had to stop and talk. This made me late to my class.

"Ah, Miss Carson. So glad you could join us. Did you get lost?" the teacher said when I walked in. "No." I grumbled then sat down at the first available desk; it was next to a girl who smelled like she had taken a bath in Chanel #5. I mean, it's good stuff, but too much of a good thing is bad.

After the teacher changed his attendance sheet, he wrote his name on the board, "I am Mr. Johnson. You will address me as 'sir'. I have seen many of your before, wandering around as underclassmen. Now, you are seniors. I expect maturity and hard work from all of you. On a more informal note, we have a new student with us. Young man would you please stand?"

A guy in the front stood. He was very good-looking; a nice build and brown hair that was kind of on the shaggy side with some of the strands hanging in his eyes. "Hello, sir." The new guy said in a strong British accent, and then he stepped forward to shake Mr. Johnson's hand, "James Watson." Mr. Johnson replied, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Watson. You're father tells me you're a very skilled student. I expect good things from you." "Yes, sir." James answered. "Good." Mr. Johnson commented, "You may be seated." James sat back down.

The rest of class time was spent starting our first chapter in our U.S. Government book. Many girls kept asking James if he needed help, but he turned them all down.

In the last five minutes of class, we did introductions. We each had to stand, say our name, favorite extracurricular activity, and favorite part of our summer. James, however, did not have to go since he had already been introduced to the class. On my turn I said my name, of course, that I like to write, and I enjoyed spending time with my mom. I didn't go in to detail about that.

The rest of my classes I got to on time. And, everywhere I went, I heard about James. He wasn't in any of my other classes, just lunch. The school was flowing with information on the new student. At lunch, he sat with some boys who were on the school's soccer team. When I passed their table, I heard one of the guys ask him if he knew David Beckham. I actually got a chuckle out of that. I kept on walking and found myself an empty table near the back of the cafeteria. The girls at the table next to me were talking about James. One of them told the others that James's father was U.K. Ambassador and his family had moved here for his job. I have no idea if that was true, but by the end of the day I knew I was tired of hearing about James Watson.


	2. Chapter 2

**Maybe I should talk about boys; I don't talk to anyone about them. Dad really doesn't care what goes on in my life. Cathy gave me "the talk" when I was eight. Since then, she always asks me about my basically nonexistent love life; she wants to know if I have questions or want advice. I really don't want boy advice from Dad's mistress. The twins are too young to understand. And when I visit mom at the rehab center we just talk about happy stuff. I tell her what songs I've heard lately that I like or good books I've read, little things like that. She doesn't need anything to worry about. Thanks to Dad, her plate is full.**

**So anyway, guys are never my topic of conversation. I suppose I could write about them. I mean, it's not like I don't think about them. I've found myself physically attracted to a few guys, but it seems that the mental and emotional compatibility just isn't there. Most guys turn out to be bullies or jerks. Take, James Watson for example. All the girls are falling over themselves to get to him. It's crazy. He's got a nice face but he's too much of a cookie-cutter preppy school boy for my taste. Admiring from afar is easier. That way you don't get hurt. **

**At school, I'm not interested in anybody and no one appears to be interested in me. Honestly, the first and only boyfriend I have ever had was freshman year. We held hands in the hallway between classes and sat outside during lunch; kissing a few times. Then, at the end of the year, he moved and I never saw him agai-**

I couldn't complete my sentence. My journal was suddenly snatched from my hands, my pen leaving a big mark across the page.

"Let's see….aw, no one is interested in me. Oh, so sad." The guy that had taken my journal read and laughed. The other two guys laughed with him. I recognized the journal stealer; he was the one who had asked James about David Beckham. He flipped back a few pages, "oh, look! She even wrote about James. He'll get a kick out of this. Too bad he won't get to see it for himself, though. Then the guy tossed my journal into a nearby puddle from last night's rain. The group simply walked away laughing.

I scrambled to pick my journal out of the water, but it was useless. The book was soaking wet, all the ink words had run into an illegible mess. My journal was destroyed and all my writing was gone. What a perfect way to start the day.

In government class, James didn't say anything to me. I guessed he just wasn't informed about this morning's events yet. So, I wasn't at all surprised when he came over to my table during lunch.

"Emily Carson?" he asked. I looked up from my food, "Yeah." "The guys told me what happened." James sat down in the chair directly across from me. I waited in silence for the inevitable tormenting that was to come. Maybe this time he would toss _me_ in a puddle.

He went on, "Well, it was very childish of them. How much do good journals go for?" My jaw dropped; I hadn't expected him to say anything like this. I had run scenarios in my head and they all ended with me feeling like crap. James laid a checkbook on the table. "Wait." I blurted out, putting up my hand, "My journal wasn't destroyed, personal writings and thoughts were. They can't be replaced." But he just ignored me, "Twenty dollars sound like enough?" "I don't want your money." I snapped. James, finally, looked at me, "I'm just trying to help." "I don't want your help either." I replied. I wasn't about to be somebody's charity case.

Just then the bell rang. James stood and picked up his checkbook, "I will see you tomorrow." He left and I felt very confused.

I remained confused for the whole rest of the day. James and I's little chat hadn't escaped anyone's eyes. Suddenly, it seemed that every girl wanted to talk to me. They asked all sorts of weird questions about me like: What perfume do I wear? Where do I get my makeup? What brand of shampoo do I use? And, of course, they asked about James. I guess in their delusional little minds they thought James and I were somehow together. Obviously, they all needed to brush up on their eavesdropping skills. I was just scared that I was going to have a hundred little clones tomorrow.

At the end of the day, a few girls followed me out of the school, still asking questions.

When I finally got away from them and made it to the car, Cathy practically had her face pressed against the window. She was busting at the seams to ask me about the girls following me. Luckily, Dad got to speak first, "How was your day?" I answered, "I honestly don't know."


	3. Chapter 3

(the three lines of Emily's writing are each meant to be separate entries on different pieces of paper)

(paper 1)**I think I officially hate boys. Well, maybe not hate, but I'm pretty pissed off. My journal is gone and this sucks. **

(paper 2)**Ok, so I lost the last paper. I think last time I had been talking about my feelings toward the male race. Maybe all the problems in the world would be solved if they all had periods. **

(paper 3)**Darn loose-leaf paper! I surrender. I'm just going to have to go out and buy a new journal after school on Friday,**

The morning was completely messed up. Cathy took forever to get ready. Michelle and Mandy decided to do their hair "extra special". So, needless to say, we had to hurry to school. Once we got there, I had to run to government to get there on time. Running in my school shoes was fun, especially when I face-planted right outside the classroom. Luckily, there were no witnesses.

When I came in the room, Mr. Johnson was talking about a project. "As you all know, your senior year here means that it is time for your senior papers." He stated, "The paper embodies the spirit of research and teamwork. It will be due at the end of the year." The class let out a collective groan. Mr. Johnson put up a hand to silence us, "However, this year the essay length has been cut. It is now has to be just five pages. And also, there is only one topic. You must write a paper that in some way, shape, or form, discusses the United States government." He smiled at that then continued, "Since that is the topic, you will have this class to use as work time for the paper. That way I am available to answer any questions you may have."

Just then the bell rang and everyone began gathering up their stuff to head to their next class. "Don't forget," Mr. Johnson spoke over the rustling of papers, "This is a partner paper. No one can work alone." Crap. I had forgotten about that little detail.

I was still worrying about the stupid partner thing during lunch. I couldn't think of a single person I could possibly work with. I mean, even Chanel #5 girl had a regular group of people she chatted with in the hallway. Great. So I would be stuck with whoever was unable to find a partner. I just knew, with my luck, I would be stuck with the meanest, laziest person in the school. Great. Just great.

I was eating my salad, spearing each piece with unnecessary force, when someone sat down at my table. I was sure it would be either another soccer player who wanted to have fun with me or a fangirl with more questions. But, guess what, I was wrong.

"No money this time; I promise." James Watson said. "Great." I replied, stabbing at my lettuce. James watched me with a confused look then continued, "Since you won't let me apologize by supplying money for a new journal, I have, instead, decided to repay you with work." "Excuse me?" It was my turn to look confused. "I will be your partner for the paper." He explained, "If not, I will keep trying to give your money." "That's blackmail." I said. James grinned, "That's effective." Stupid James Watson; even his smile was gorgeous. "So? What will it be?" He inquired. I sat my fork down and looked up at him, "Why in the world are your so determined to repay me for the loss of my journal. You weren't there. You didn't do anything. Why the heck are you going out of your way to apologize for someone else's actions?" James looked away from me and down at the table, "Because they told me about it. They told me what you wrote. They told me that…you wrote about me." I smacked the table and he jumped. "No way." I said, "No freakin way…" It was now obvious and it was so stupid, "You think I have a crush on you?" James just nodded. This was too funny. I laughed and shook my head, "James, I wrote about all the girls in this school that will do anything to get you and how deranged they all are. So, you're off the hook buddy. I am not gonna be your partner for the paper." He was staring wide-eyed. It was like I had just told him the cure for cancer. But, after a few seconds, James shook his head and snapped out of it, "Are you sure. I think we would have made a great team." "Oh, I think I'm pretty positive." I replied.

I got up and got my stuff together, still sort of chuckling. As I was walking away, James said, "Well, I guess I'll see you around then." "Sure. Whatever." I answered. Just then the bell rang and he had to yell, "If you change your mind, just let me know!"

Luckily, for James, the noise of everybody moving around blocked out the sound of my laughter. Stupid James Watson.


	4. Chapter 4

Friday morning, Dad told us all that he had gotten the job he had recently interviewed for. When the affair had occurred, Dad's boss found out and fired him saying, "He was putting pleasure before business". Since then, he's held different jobs here and there, but nothing permanent until now, when some big shot corporate man had decided he needed a partner and Dad got the job. Dad said he was a nice guy and didn't care about the past affair.

"Can you believe it?" Dad said to Cathy, "This guy has been running the whole thing by himself. He used to have two partners and a nice office in the World Trade Center. Then, in 9/11, he lost them both. He just didn't have the heart to replace them, but, with the changing economy, he decided he needed a partner again. Oh, the salary is amazing." "Well, 'Hawkins and Carson' does have a nice ring to it." Cathy commented.

Dad and Cathy continued to chat on the drive to school. I was just glad it was Friday. After school I could, finally, get a new journal. I could go back to writing. Good times.

Government class was focused on the paper. "Change in plans, students." Mr. Johnson announced, "You will not be choosing your own partner; I will be assigning them for you." Lovely. I'm screwed.

I waited impatiently as Mr. Jonson called out the pairs. Hopefully, it wouldn't turn out too bad for me. "Carson with Watson." He said. Oh, so it turned out really bad. I was royally screwed.

After all the partners were announced, everybody got together to discuss their plan of action. James, happily, came over to me. "Well this is a coincidence." He said, grinning. "Why do I feel that you are somehow responsible for this?" I questioned. He shrugged, "I guess it just pays to have a father with lots of connections." I shook my head. "So, maybe after school we could get some coffee and discuss what we could do for the paper?" James suggested. "Um, I'm kinda busy after school." I replied. But, that didn't stop him, "Well, maybe I could help you with whatever it is and then we could work." I sighed, "Listen, it's a personal thing. Can you just drop it? Sheesh." Never annoy a girl on her period. James put up his hand, "Ok. Discussion over."

We were both quiet then. We just sat there looking around the room. I can't stand awkward silence so I spoke, "I sort of had an idea." James just looked at me. I went on, "I thought maybe we could do a paper on opposing views on the government. We could get interviews from people at opposite ends of the spectrum, like a really top notch business man and a working glass guy. "Sounds good to me." James commented softly.

Suddenly, the bell rang and it actually made me jump. James got up quickly. "I will see you on Monday." He said, then was out the door. I don't know what his problem was. I didn't yell at him. I just wanted this evening to myself. I was full of words that desperately needed to come out.

The rest of the day was a typical Friday. Teachers and students eagerly awaited that final bell. In my last class, I'm pretty sure the teacher was the first one out the door.

/It was a nice day out. Mostly cloudy skies with a high in the upper seventies; perfect walking conditions. However, I wasn't exactly sure where to walk to. Even though I had lived in New York for the majority of my life, Dad had basically kept me confined to the Upper East Side, where we lived but, when I turned eighteen, I was given free range; probably the best thing Dad has ever done for me. So far the only places I had really explored were Broadway and Times Square. I had no idea where the best selection of notebooks would be. All I could think of was Wall Street. Lots of offices equal a variety of office supply stores, maybe? That was my logic, so I set off in that direction.

I made pretty good time getting there, considering my limited navigation abilities. To be honest, I wasn't a fan of this area. Everything felt so packed in. I don't see how they had room to build the new offices where Dad works.

For the most part, all I saw was just office building after office building. I walked a few more blocks until I was right near Ground Zero. There are a few diners and little shops over there and, of course, street venders. Guys were selling 9-11 pictures and other stuff. If you ask me, it's completely disrespectful. How can somebody make a profit off of a tragedy?

At last, I came across a little secondhand shop. I noticed some old books in the window so I took a chance.

Right by the door there was a folding table with some stuff laying on it. The sign read: "All Items 50¢". I looked it over then noticed a little black leather-bound journal. I picked it up and flipped through it. About a third of the pages were written on, but it was just in the front part. The rest of the pages were good and I decided I could always buy filler paper; the journal could hold some more pages. It was kind of dusty and the pages looked a little burnt on the edges. But, I don't know, I just liked the leather and it felt good in my hand.

I held up the little journal and said to the guy at the register, "Hey, where'd you get this?" He looked over at me, squinting through his glasses, "Just found it lying around." "I'll take it." I replied and walked to the counter and handed the guy fifty cents. "You need a bag?" He asked. I shook my head and put the journal into my bag. I couldn't wait to get home and put my pen to those pages.


	5. Chapter 5

Unfortunately, when I got home, I didn't get to enjoy my purchase. Mandy and Michelle wanted to go see a movie, and me staying home was not an option. I was stuck watching Mr. Teen Heartthrob and Ms. Smiley All The Freakin Time smooch on the big screen. After the movie, we all went out for dinner so we didn't get back until late. I had no choice but to go to bed. I had to get up early for the drive to visit Mom at the rehab center.

The next morning, I got up at five. I showered and had a quick breakfast. I put on some jeans, a nice top, and the beaded necklace my mom had made me. I was sitting on the couch watching the morning news when dad came down the stairs in khakis and a blue polo shirt. "Ready to go?" I asked. He yawned and nodded. That wasn't very reassuring but, I guess if he got too tired I could take the wheel.

We got into the car and made our way out of the neighborhood. Dad was silent the whole drive. His face was blank. I had the urge to just scream at him, "This is your fault! You are the reason she's in there!", but I held my tongue.

At the rehab center, Dad let me off at the door and he went to find a parking space. This was normal procedure.

When I walked inside the secretary, Gloria, greeted me. "Hello, Emily." "Hey, Gloria." I replied, "How's mom been doing?" "Making real progress." She answered, handing me the sign-in sheet. I signed my name then handed it back to her. "Any new activities planned this time?" I asked. "You'll just have to wait and see." Gloria winked and waved as I walked down the hall. I took the stairs to the second floor. I went to the fourth door on the left and knocked. There were quick footsteps then the door was flung open. My mother stood there smiling.

"Hey." I smiled back. She grabbed me in a tight hug then took my hand and led me into her room. "Did you change something since last time?" I inquired, looking around. "Uh-huh." Mom answered, "I was so tired of those blue sheets. Do you like these yellow ones? I think they really brighten up the room." "They look good." I replied, sitting in the big chair in the corner. Mom went into her bathroom then came back with a cup of water for her plants. "I'm so happy you could make it." She chatted as she worked, "I was worried you might be busy, what with school starting up." I shook my head, "Homework is pretty light this year. They mostly want us to focus on our senior paper." "Oh right!" Mom tapped her head, "I forgot about that. How is it going?" I shrugged, "We've just started. But, they changed it this year. Now we only have to write five pages. And, we got assigned partners." "Oh, really?" Mom asked as she went back to the bathroom to put the cup away, "Who are you partnered with?" "James Watson." I replied, "He's new this year; moved from England." "Oh, a boy." Mom sat down on the edge of her bed across from me, "Is he cute?" I really didn't want to discuss this, but Mom wanted to and I wanted to do whatever made her happy, she deserved it. "I guess." I answered. Mom grinned, "I bet he's a nice boy. I hope I can meet him." I just shrugged. That was definitely not a good idea; they should never meet. I could already picture the nightmare in my head; My mother would whip out the baby pictures and James would be all too happy to look at them. "He's not really my type." I added. "Oh...I understand." Mom said, "I can't wait to get out of here. Then we can go out shopping again. I'll take you into Soho. There are all sorts of nice, artistic boys over there; and hot ones too." "Mom!" I exclaimed, but then I laughed. She was always concerned about my love life. Mom shook her finger at me, "Don't think I don't my own daughters type. You are my little writer." I smiled at her. She stood and placed on her stomach, "Are you hungry? I'm starved. Why don't we take an early lunch and then see what activities Dr. Kellerman has for us this time." I agreed, so Mom and I left her room and went down to the cafeteria.

Lunch was simple; a tuna-salad sandwich with a side of baked Lays and a glass of iced tea. There was no sign of Dad. I guessed he was taking care of financial stuff in the main office. 

After we ate, we went to Dr. Kellerman's office. We arrived to find Dad already in the room, waiting. "Hello, Emily." Dr. Kellerman said as Mom and I walked in. "Hey." I replied. "Have you grown since last time?" He asked, grinning at me. I smiled, "It was just two weeks ago, so I highly doubt it." 

"Well, everybody's here." Dr. Kellerman noted, "I think we're ready to begin." He took a seat at his desk and Mom and I sat on the couch with Dad.

Dr. Kellerman spoke, "Claire has been sober for about two years now and her anxiety attacks have almost completely gone away. I think we're ready to take the finale step."

I noticed Dad's eyes widen when Dr. Kellerman said that. It could only mean one thing. "Mom's coming home?" I asked. Dr. Kellerman nodded, "For the first year or so she can't live on her own. We have a boarding house set up in Queens. Since Claire did years of jail time on multiple charges, she'll be assigned a social worker. Well, actually all of you will be." "Why all of us?" Dad questioned. Dr. Kellerman replied, "Because Claire's drinking was brought on by situations in the family. It was a tough time for everybody. This social worker has a degree in psychology, so she'll be able to make sure Claire has a safe environment and that she will be able to make that final transition to living on her own." Dad shook his head, "But Claire is not going to live with us. Why does my home life matter?" "Because you and Claire have Emily." He replied, "She is 18. Now, no one has any legal custody. So, Claire can visit Emily any time she pleases. We want to make sure those visits are happy times and do not result in a relapse." Dad had no more questions.

Mom had been quiet this entire time. She was just grinning and holding my hand.

"So," Dr. Kellerman continued, "This is our last meeting. I didn't plan any activities. I just want to talk; get anything out in the open that needs to be cleared. The next time you come, we will be meeting your social worker. Also, Claire, for our next visit I would like you to write a letter to Cathy, apologizing for purposely wrecking her car. Just explain that you did not have a clear head and anything else you want to add." "Alright." Mom replied, with just a hint of reluctance. "Good." Dr. Kellerman said, "Ok then. Is there anything anybody would like to say; just anything you want to get off your chest?" "No." My parents said, practically in unison. Dr. Kellerman looked at me, "How about you, Emily?"

At first, I was about to say 'no' also, but then, in the back of head, was that nagging little voice that wanted me to scream. It wanted to tell Dad off. It made me think about the night Dad told Mom he was leaving. Mom had known about the affair for a year and had been drinking because of it. She just thought the whole thing would blow over and our family would return to normal. But, Dad told her that he was leaving her for Cathy and, oh yeah, by the way she's pregnant. I guess Mom just snapped. She left the house in silence, carrying a wine bottle. About an hour later, the police are at our house, Mom's outside in handcuffs, and Cathy is crying to Dad on the phone. I was watching the whole event from behind the living room couch. I was scared out of my mind.

The next thing I knew, I was standing up yelling at Dad, "This is your fault! You cheated and didn't have the balls to tell her. So she finds out when she sees the prescription for your gonorrhea! Mom tired to fix it, but no! You screwed it all up! You got your dumb whore knocked up. Sometimes…. Sometimes I wish you weren't my father. Oh, who am I kidding? I wish that all the time! You are nothing to me and I can't forgive you for what you did."

Dad was just sitting there with a shocked look on his face. Mom was wiping her eyes. Dr. Kellerman was now standing and had his hand on shoulder. "That's good, Emily." He said in a soft tone, "You need to let all that anger out. It's bad to keep that stuff bottled up. Do you feel better?" I nodded, but that was a complete lie. It felt like this problem ran too deep for it to be fixed in one outburst. Dr. Kellerman glanced at his watch, "I'm sorry to rush, but I have another appointment." "That's alright." Dad said, standing, "We need to be leaving anyway." I hugged my mother goodbye and patted my arm, "Take care, Emily."

Dad and I walked in silence to the car. But, as soon as I climbed in and shut my door, Dad looked at me and said, "If you ever speak to me that way again, you can kiss college goodbye. I can make you broke and homeless real fast."


	6. Chapter 6

Sunday wasn't any better. Dad didn't speak to me and Cathy glared at me all day. I'm not sure which was more annoying.

I actually felt relieved to go back to school. I left the new journal at home; is it a bad sign that I didn't want to write?

In government we, surprise!, worked on our paper. "How was your weekend?" James asked. "Fine." I answered. "What did you do?" He questioned. I sighed and was about reply when he interrupted me, "I'm sorry. Forget I said anything. I don't want my head bitten off again." I looked at him, "About Friday, I apologize. You just had bad timing. Nothing personal." I guess James wasn't too terrible; he didn't annoy me as much as other people. James kind of half smiled, "Already forgotten. But, can I please ask about what's going on? Because, like it or not, we are partners for this paper and I need to know that you are in this 100%." "Don't worry," I replied, "I'm going to do my best. We have to get a good grade to pass and graduate; I want that as much as you do. Things are just a little crazy right now. I just need to figure it out." "Figure out what?" He asked. "Everything." I replied. (parody time! Lol.)

At lunch, James sat with me. He didn't speak. He just sat there, eating his lunch in silence. I can't stand awkward silence. "So…is England nice?" I asked. He gave me a curious look before he answered, "It's great and I miss it. I want to move back after graduation. But, if we're talking, I would much rather hear about you." I shook my head, "Sorry, that's not an option. What brought you to the U.S.?" James replied, "Dad's job. He works with a U.K. and U.S. business and trade organization. They needed a new U.K. rep for the office here in New York. So, my dad got the job. Sort of a promotion, I guess. And, might I add, this is highly unfair. You have to tell me something about you before I tell you anything more about me." "My favorite color is purple." I told him. He grinned, "That's nice, but I think you're avoiding telling me real information. What do your parents do?" "Fine." I sighed, "Dad works in an office doing I don't know what and my mom is….sort of between jobs." "See?" James said, "That wasn't so hard. Now, you are allowed a question." I asked, "What do you do outside of school? And, homework does not count as an answer." James rolled his eyes, "Give me some credit; I'm not all about work. Mostly, in my free time, I like to read." "Oh, me too." I commented. He smiled, "I believe we have something in common. So, what do you do? And, writing is not an acceptable answer; I already know about that." "Now who's being unfair?" I replied, "I like to listen to music. I like just about every genre." "Really?" James questioned, a little shocked, "I have yet to find a country or rap artist I like." "Then I need to introduce you to Johnny Cash and Eminem." I said. He grinned again, "It's a date."

Suddenly, I felt a little spray of liquid hit my back. I turned around and saw a very surprised looking group of girls, one who was holding a bottle of water and had one hand over her mouth. "I think they took your offer to me literally." I commented, "James, I think you put a spell on them." I waved my hand in front of the unmoving girls, "I think they're frozen." James laughed, "American girls are so odd." "Yeah, well, British boys aren't exactly the model of sanity, either." I replied.

Just then, the bell rang. The girls ran out of the cafeteria. I chuckled quietly. James shook his head, "So very strange."

Unfortunately, the rest of the day was uneventful. At least I got to replay the incident in my head. It just kept getting funnier.

At the end of the day, when I was outside going to the car, James caught up with me. "How was the rest of your day?" He asked, following alongside me. "It was alright. You?" I answered. "Fine." He replied, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I really was being literal."

I stopped dead. James just patted my shoulder, "Well, see you tomorrow."

When I got in the car, Cathy was bouncing in her seat. "Who was that?" She asked. "Just a guy from my gov class." I responded. At least now I had a want to write.


	7. Chapter 7

(words in italics are Tyler's writings and bold words are Emily's)

As soon as we got home, I ran up to my room. I dug the little leather bound journal out of the bottom desk drawer, I had put it there in an attempt to hid it from Michelle and Mandy. After getting a pen, I went to sit on my bed and opened the journal.

The first page was filled with words. It looked like this had been someone's personal journal. This felt like an invasion of someone's privacy, but I guess my curiosity got the better of me. So I read.

_Michael, why? What was going through your mind? Caroline won't stop crying. I'm scared. Mom and Dad are yelling at each other. Michael, what is happening? Everything is falling apart.___

_Was it so horrible that you had to end your life? I know you didn't like working at the office with Dad and I know you hated giving up the band. You could have talked to me, I'm not a kid anymore more.___

_I'm trying to find answers here in the journal I gave you for Christmas. But, you didn't write in it; not one song. I guess I'll keep it.___

_Michael, what am I supposed to do? How can I forgive you? I'm lost without you.___

I looked, open-mouthed, at the page. The original owner of the journal, Michael, had committed suicide. And someone, a sibling maybe?, had gotten this journal and had written to Michael in it.__

  
The author's words were pleading. It was so weird. I wanted to help, but I knew there was no way I could. I understand how they felt. The feeling of being lost was a familiar notion.

I guess I completely lost my mind because I flipped to the first empty page to write back.

**I understand feeling lost. It's like I'm just wandering through life. I don't have a direction. I don't have a purpose. I don't have a reason.******

**I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do in life. Michael must have been very special to you if he helped you to feel sure about things. I think I need someone like that.******

**I can't imagine what it was like to lose him. The only comparison I have is my parents. When I was little, they were my guiding light. I didn't care what happened as long as I was with them. And when their marriage ended, I lost my path. Nothing has ever been the same. I've never really thought about it before. I guess things fell apart for me too.******

**Everything is confusing.****  
**

In all honesty, writing back to the unknown author kind of made me feel better. I decide to make this my escape now. Writing to unknown people probably wasn't the sanest idea in the world, but I would make it work.

At the moment, I couldn't think of anything more to write. My situation with James seemed so small in comparison to the larger, looming problem that was my future. So I put the journal back into my desk drawer and got the stuff out of my bag to work on my calculus homework.

About an hour later, there was a knock on the door. "Come in." I answered. Dad opened the door just enough to poke his head in. "I just talked to Dr. Kellerman on the phone." He said, "He says Claire's ready for the first meeting with the social worker. It's tomorrow at noon." "Alright." I replied. Dad closed the door then, but reopened it a moment later. "Don't forget what I told you." He reminded me. I just nodded, "I won't."


	8. Chapter 8

My mind was really not on work at school the next day. I kept thinking about the upcoming meeting with the social worker. I mean, I wanted to be there for my mom, but I dreaded having to discuss family issues with some outside person who had no idea what was really going on. And how much of the truth would I have to edit in order to make sure that the only money to my name would be safe?

This was all I could think about. I was so lost in thought that James had to wave his hand in front of my face to get my attention. "Hello, Emily?" He said, "Did you hear me?" "What?" I answered. James sighed, "I just said that I did my first interview. I talked to our maid." "Wh-what? Your maid? Don't you know how to pick up trash?" I replied. He rolled his eyes, "Don't be ridiculous. Dad's barely home and Mum's usually out with friends and she hates housework." "What's your excuse?" I asked. James shrugged, "Well, I'm just used to the maid, I guess." I shook my head, "Typical spoiled rich kid." "Hey now!" He frowned, "I am not spoiled. I'm very independent. I can fend for myself." I snorted, "Yeah, right. You wouldn't last a day in the real world. Heck, you wouldn't last a day in my world." "Oh? And why is that?" James asked, raising his voice. Some of our classmates looked up at him. He didn't pay them any mind, "What is so awful about your life that I couldn't handle? Emily, why don't you explain things to me? Stop running from the truth. You've been so on edge today. What is going on?" "Nothing." I replied, quietly. Before James could say any more, class ended. However, I knew this wasn't the end of our discussion.

Sure as can be, James continued with the subject at lunch. I tried to ignore him and instead listened to my iPod. But, he caught me off guard and took it right out of my hand.

"If you ever want to see your iPod again, you will tell me what is going on." James explained, holding the little device away from me. "It is none of your business." I replied. "So, something is going on. I want answers. Now. Let me help you." He demanded. I rolled my eyes, "No. I told you before that I didn't want your help. It applies to this situation too. Why are you so interested in my issues? Can't you just leave it be?" James sighed and ran his hand through his hair, "Why is this so difficult? You're being horrid about this, you know that?" I was so tired of arguing. I guessed I could throw him a bone, just to get him off my back. "I just don't want to tell you, ok?" I explained, "Today, I have to do something I'm really not looking forward to." "Then don't do it." James stated, simply. I shook my head, "It's not that easy. I don't think I have a choice." "You always have a choice." He said.

The bell rang then and James handed me back my iPod. "I can't force you to open up to me." He spoke softly, "But, eventually, you will trust me and you'll be so broken inside from keeping it all locked up that you will have no choice but to talk to me." I put up my hand in protest, "That makes no sense. You just said that there is always a choice." "That doesn't apply to this situation." James explained before walking away.

For the rest of the day, I thought about the conversation at lunch. I guessed that stupid James was right about one thing: nobody was going to hold a gun to my head and force me to go to that meeting. And, not going sort of made sense. If I didn't go, I wouldn't have to worry about what I said. My college would be secure.

So at the end of school, I went out the back way; cutting through the gym. I would catch heck for this little stunt but that seemed more tolerable than the alternative.

I caught a bus just as it was getting set to leave and ended up taking it to the area around NYU.

Just a few blocks from the bus stop, I came across an interesting place called, "The Coffee Bar". I have a weakness for coffee, so I went in.

It was a little dark inside. There was a small platform stage set up in the back. The rest of the room was filled with small tables scattered around in no particular order. Along the left wall was a typical bar counter. Instead of glasses hanging up, there were coffee mugs. The back shelf was lined with different brands and blends of coffee. It didn't take me long to realize I was the only customer in the place.

Behind the bar stood a guy who looked to be in about his early thirties. He had dark curly hair and a little bit of scruff going on; just enough to have that laid-back look, not enough to look homeless. He waved, "Hey there."

I walked over to the bar and took a seat. "Hi." I replied. He put out his hand, "I'm Aiden." I shook his hand, "I'm Emily." Aiden smiled, "It's nice to meet you, Emily."

Aiden had a nice smile. One of those really sincere ones; one that made you feel like you could trust them.

"So, what can I get you?" He asked. Luckily, I had some money left over from lunch. I scanned the shelf, "I'll try that pumpkin spice one." Aiden got down a mug and grabbed a bag of coffee grounds. He talked as he fixed my drink, "So what brings you here? You live nearby?" I shook my head, "No. I just took a bus this way looking for something to do."

My drink was done and Aiden slid it down the bar to me; I grabbed it. "Nice catch." He commented. "Thanks." I replied and took a sip, "So why a coffee bar?" Aiden smiled, "It's sort of ironic. After college, I knew I wanted to open my own business and I wanted to have nothing to do with alcohol. I used to binge drink; been sober for about nine years now. Alcohol and coffee and basically opposites. So, 'poof', the Coffee Bar was born. Business is kinda slow right now. It usually picks up in the mornings and on the weekends and on the last Friday of every month when I hire a band to play. You should check it out." I nodded, "I'll try to remember. I'm not the best person when comes to dates." He smiled again, "I can relate to that. Hey, not to be a creeper or anything, but if you give me your cell phone number I could text you a reminder." It probably wasn't the most responsible thing to do, I'd only known him less than an hour, but I gave him my number. I just had a good feeling that he was somebody I could trust.

I handed him my empty mug, "That was really good." "Thank you." He replied, "You seem to be into music; what else do you like?" "I like to write, like just random thoughts and stuff." I answered. "Oh cool." Aiden said, "I've never really gotten in touch with my creative side. Think you can give any authors a run for their money?" I shrugged, "I can try."

We talked a while longer and then I paid him for the coffee. Aiden said goodbye, "Hope to see you again soon." "Yeah." I replied, "Same here." So maybe all the men of the world aren't evil.


	9. Chapter 9

After leaving the Coffee Bar, I walked through a couple of other little shops. I lost complete track of time, just wandering around.

When I got home, it was around ten o'clock.

"Where have you been, Emily?" Dad barked at me as I walked in the door. He was sitting on the couch watching TV. "Out." I answered. He turned off the TV and stood, "Did you forget about the meeting? Why weren't you out front after school?" I headed for the stairs, "I just didn't feel like going." "Young lady, we have rules in this house. I expect you to follow them." Dad said, "You can't just go where ever you please." "I don't really care about your little rules." I replied and made my way up the stairs. Dad threw up his hands, "I'm too tired to deal with you tonight. We'll discuss this later." "Have it your way." I said and went into my room, closing the door behind me.

I got the journal from the desk and went to my bed, opening the next entry. The handwriting looked a little bit different; cleaner. Perhaps the author had gotten older.

_I'm a little nervous for my first day at NYU. Wow, I just realized I haven't written in a long time._

I probably won't be writing after this anyway. I haven't thought of anything to say to you. Mom and Dad got a divorce. Mom recently remarried. He's a nice guy. Caroline made a cute flower girl.

College is a big step. My roommate is Aiden. He seems like an alright guy. Hopefully, by junior year I can move off campus.

I still just don't know what to say except that I need to figure things out. Maybe then I will know what to tell you.  


As my new routine, I flipped to a new page.

**I wish I knew your name. I guess for know you are just 'unknown'. However, I do know that you are a boy. I don't think they let girls and boys room together.**

I also have someone in my life named Aiden; just met him today. He has my number, just in case you're wondering. He seems nice too. Maybe people named Aiden are just naturally that way.

And then there's still James. I don't know what to say to him. I guess you and me are in the same predicament, sort of. James is so confusing to me. Some days, he really annoys me and other days we seem to get along well.

Why is just talking so hard?

I closed the journal then put it away and tried to get a few hours of sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of banging on the door.

"Come on, Emily! We don't want to be late!" Cathy yelled. I groaned and rolled out of bed. I hurriedly got dressed and skipped breakfast; my stomach would be mad at me later.

On the way to school, Cathy told me how Dad and she were 'disappointed in my actions last night'. I just ignored it. She's not my mother; why should I care what she thought?

In government we didn't work on our papers. Instead, we had to do some dumb school survey.

During lunch, James was unusually quiet. He sat in silence, picking at his food. As I was opening my water, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and flipped it open to view the text.

From Aiden: wakey wakey eggz and bacy

I shook my head and replied back.

From Emily: what the flip is bacy? And why r u talking about waking up? It's noon

A moment later my phone went off.

From Aiden: bacy, u know? It's bacon but with a y. I was up late last night after you left looking 4 a band. g2g customer

I shook my head and put the phone back in my pocket. "Who was that?" James asked. "A friend." I replied. He grinned, "And all this time I thought you lived in complete solitude." "I'm not an angry hermit; I just choose my friends wisely." I explained, "And what about you? I don't see a big entourage following behind." "I prefer to have a few close friends." James said. Then he stood, gathered up his stuff, and walked off without a word.

Geez, what's with him now?


	10. Chapter 10

After school, Cathy seemed to be in a hurry to get home. I tried asking her what was up, but she wouldn't tell me anything.

When we got to the house, I was surprised to see that Dad's car was in the driveway. I got an even bigger shock when I walked inside.

There, on the couch, sat Dad, my mom, and some blonde woman I had never seen before. However, as soon as she saw me, she stood and smiled. "You must be Emily." She said, "Hello. I'm Alyssa Craig, you mother's social worker." I looked at Dad, "You brought her here?" He nodded silently, but mom spoke, "Honey, where were you yesterday?" "Something came up." I answered. Alyssa Craig turned to Dad, "Is there someplace Emily and I could talk in private?" "The dining room." He told her. I dropped my bag on the floor by the coffee table and headed to the room with the social worker following behind me.

I sat at the table and she took the chair across from me. "So, how was school?" She asked. "Fine." I stated, shortly. "Good." Alyssa commented, "Emily, where were you yesterday? You skipped the meeting." "Why does it matter?" I asked. She sighed, "My job is to insure that your mother has a stable environment to come in to; you want that for her don't you? I talked to the rest of your family yesterday. I need to make sure you are ready for this change. I need to understand literally everything." I rolled my eyes, "I didn't want to go to the meeting so I went over to NYU and hung out at a coffee shop." "Why didn't you want to go?" Alyssa questioned. "I just didn't, ok?" I answered. She pet her arms on the table, "I'm gonna need some more information. Don't you want your mom to be around?" "Of course I do." I replied, "I just don't think my personal life is any of your business." "I know this is hard and I'm sorry I have to pry like this," She said, "but this is my job. I need to know you." I stood up, "You don't need to know anything. Just leave me alone." Alyssa questioned me, "Why is this so hard? Just talk to me." I was fed up with this, "I don't want anybody's help! Can't you all understand that?"

I walked out of the dining room and grabbed my bag. Mom looked at me, concerned, "Emily? Is everything alright?" "Just peachy." I replied and made my way to the stairs. The social worker was coming behind me, "You can trust me. Emily, I know this is maybe scary for you to talk to some random girl ( "you're not random, you're tyler's girlfriend." that scene was cute.) but give me a chance." "Nope." I answered, going into my room and slamming the door.

I didn't have much time. Alyssa was knocking on my door, "Open this door. My dad's a cop and cop's kids always know how to bust down doors." I heard the handle jiggle and then Dad's voice, "I'll see if I can find something to pick the lock."

I laid my bag on the bed. I put in a second uniform then grabbed my journal and a pen. I went to the window and opened it, looking down. It's wasn't that big of a drop and I figure I could climb down the lattice work on the side of the house.

Just as I was going out the window, I heard Dad's voice again, "I think this will work. Let me try." I got the rest of the way our and climbed down half way before jumping. As soon as I hit the grass, I heard my door open, banging against the wall. "Emily Anne Carson!" Dad yelled.

I took off running to the bus stop. Luckily, when I got there a bus just pulling up.

I'm not sure how long I rode around on that bus. I just sat in the back, thinking. This was bad, really bad. How was I supposed to go back after this episode? I felt like crap so I got out the journal and read on. 

_Micheal, I've neglected you. I think I've gone through all the stages of grief. First, I didn't believe that this was happening, that you were really gone. Then, I was angry. I was mad at you for leaving me. And, last night, I cried. It scared Aiden._

I promise I am going to write to you. Sorry I was being an idiot. You're my favorite brother and a huge part of my family.

I wish you were here.

(oh yeah, forgot to mention that I got that apartment. Aiden and I put our money together.)

**Grief is strange. We all handle it differently yet we all seem to go through the same stages. I wonder who figured that out.**

I was like you with my mom. I kept denying to myself that she was away from me. About a year later, I was mad at what she did and how it caused her to be taken off to jail. Then, in about two years, I started crying in my sleep and having nightmares. Now, I'm just trying to deal with all of it. And, don't worry, I'm an idiot too. I basically just ran away from home, if you can call it that. But, I'll probably go back tomorrow, when the social worker is gone. 

**But, really, I think I may have screwed things up even more. I don't know if Mom can come visit if I don't talk to the social worker. I just can't do it though. I don't want anyone picking at my brain.**

**I'm really messed up.**

"Hey, lady! You lost?" the bus driver called back to me; I was the only passenger. "I guess." I answered. He shook his head, "Listen, I'll take you wherever. Where do you want to go?" "Can you take me over by NYU?" I asked. "Sure." He responded, making a left turn at the light.

About ten minutes later I was dropped off right outside the university's main building. "You be careful." The bus driver told me as I got off. "Yeah, thanks." I replied.

I walked a few blocks until I found the Coffee Bar. I had no idea why I had decided to come here. It was the only place I felt I could go, I guess. I couldn't believe I had actually made it here; my sense of direction is horrible. I also couldn't believe that the lights were on.

"Hey, we're closed!" Aiden said when I walked in, but then he looked up from the coffee mug he was drying and saw me, "Oh, hey. What is – oh my God." He dropped the mug he was working on and ran to me. He put his hand on my cheek. "What the…?" I said, pushing his hand away and felt my face. It was wet. I hadn't realized I was crying. "What happened?" He questioned. I shook my head, "Nothing, really. Just a bad day." Then, Aiden grinned. I looked at him in shock, "What?" "This just reminds me of something. Your dad didn't hit you, did he?" He asked. "Um,no….."I replied, "What's up with you? Is inhaling all this coffee getting to your brain? Why are smiling at a time like this and why are you asking about Dad?" "Nothing." Aiden answered. He looked down at my bag, "So…why'd you come here?" I shrugged, "No place else to go. Maybe I should just go back." Aiden shook his head, "No, it's late. Hey, if you want you can crash at my place for the night. I just live up stair. I swear I'm not like an axe murderer or anything. I mean, unless this is just too weird and I can set you up at a hotel." "I think I'll take my chances with you." I said, "The hotels around here aren't all that safe looking."

I followed him upstairs to his apartment. Even though the space was small, it wasn't cramped. There was little clutter and it was actually pretty clean.

I sat my stuff on the floor and flopped down on the couch. My whole body ached; I hadn't noticed how tired I was. I didn't even know what time it was except Aiden had said it was late.

"Can I get you a pillow and a blanket?" Aiden asked. "Honestly, I think I'm good just like this." I replied. He chuckled, "Okay. Well, good night then." "'Night." I answered as he flipped off the light.


	11. Chapter 11

When I woke up, I heard Aiden messing around in the kitchen. I sat up and got a glance of myself on the mirror on the wall by me. I had some serious bed head going on. "Woah, Emily." Aiden commented, "What went down on my couch last night?" "I think I was sleep-styling my hair again." I replied. He laughed, "Well, as long as you had a good time. Just be safe." I rolled my eyes and tossed the pillow at him, "Hey, when did it and the blanket get here? They weren't here when I went to sleep." "I heard you tossing and turning last night and when I came out you were shaking; figured you were cold." He told me. "Oh." I said, "Well, thanks for that then."

Just then some timer dinged and Aiden went over to the stove. "Aw, are you making me eggs and bacy?" I asked. "Nope." He answered, "French toast. A friend of mine taught me how to make it awhile back." "Is this friend related to what you were thinking about last night?" I questioned him. "Yeah." He replied, softly, "It's kinda of a long story and we don't have time for that. You gotta eat, don't you have school? Don't lie to me." I sighed, "Yes, I'm a senior. Is it that obvious? I always thought I looked a bit older for my age." He smiled, "Well, I didn't think you were wearing that uniform for fun." "Duh!" I smacked my head, "I don't think I'm fully awake yet."

Aiden walked over to the couch. "Your french toast." He said, handing me a plate. "Thanks." I said. We sat on the couch and we ate in silence.

After I changed into my spare uniform, Aiden drove me to school. I officially feel in love with his car. It was a beautiful shiny black car with fuzzy dice and a pine tree air freshener. He wouldn't tell me were or when he got it though.

"Have a good day." He said when he dropped me off. "Yeah, thanks Aiden, for everything." I hopped out of the car, pulling my bag out of the backseat. "No problem. Hey, if you ever whanna come talk or crash again, you know where to find me." Aiden offered. I nodded, "Sure thing. Hey, good luck with finding a band. Let me know about it." "Yep." He answered, "Now, go! Go! Stop stalling." Aiden reached over and closed the door then drove off, but I could see him smiling.

Government was boring. Just more time working on our papers. James got another interview; some friend of his father.

Lunch was a bit more interesting. I was trying to figure why the meatloaf had a green tint to it. Too many spices perhaps? Next to us, a group of girls were huddled together, whispering and looking in our direction. At first I thought they were gawking at James but then one of them came over and stood by me.

"Hey, um, was that guy that dropped you off this morning your boyfriend? He's a bit older than you." The girl pressed for information. "That's really none of your business." I replied. "Wait, so I'm right?" She turned around and gave her friends two thumbs up. They giggled. I shook my head, "No, he's not my boyfriend. And so what if he was? He's not much older than some of the guys I've seen you with." She crossed her arms, "Whatever, freak." "Hey!" James looked up from the book he was reading. "Oh," the girl looked at him in surprise, "James, I didn't see you there. How are you?" He rolled his eyes, "Just dandy. Now go back to your friends over there." she got in one last glare at me then walked off.

"Thanks." I told James. "No problem." He replied, "Can I ask you something?" I gave him permission, "Go for it." "I don't care who the guy is and I don't care what your status with him is," James said, "but I don't want to see you get hurt." "He does make me happy." I answered, "You've got nothing to worry about. I don't believe he'll hurt me." He smiled weakly, "Well, good. You're going to make him happy too."

I sighed, "James?" He had returned to his book, "Mhmm." "I'm really not dating him. He's at least twelve years older than me." I said, "Don't be such a martyr."


	12. Chapter 12

I wasn't surprised that when I got outside, I didn't see Cathy in the car line. The twins usually made it out before I did so they had probably already left. So, I just took a city bus to the house.

When I got there, I let myself in. Dad was walking past when I came in. "Emily? What the..." He stammered and rushed over to me, "Where have you been?" "Around." I replied. "Oh, no. We are not playing that game again." He grabbed my shoulder hard and shook me, "Tell me where you were!" I pushed his hand off, "Let go! I was staying with a friend, alright? I'm fine and I'm home now so what's the problem?" Dad sighed, "For crying out loud, Emily, your an adult now; start acting like one. You can't just run off whenever you feel like it. You upset your mother." Oh, so he was going to play the guilt card. Well, two can play at that game. "If it wasn't for you, none of us would be in this mess." I told him. He shook his finger at me, "No-no, you don't get to pin this on me. Remember what I told you. I've had it up to here with your attitude! One day, I am taking you into work with me. I'm going to show you how we live out here in the real world. You're going to see what you need to be to survive and make your own way. Maybe then you'll be mature and actually grow up to be something; follow my example." I scoffed, "I will never be like you. I'm not going to be some big fat-cat businessman who sleeps with the next young blond bimbo that comes along." "You little bi-" Dad began, but didn't have to finish. Instead he slapped my face; it knocked me to the ground. He stood over me, "You need to be taught a lesson." When his foot made contact with my stomach, all the oxygen in my lungs whooshed out. I gasped for air, clawing at the carpet trying desperately to breathe. "Aiden." I choked out. Dad heard, "Who's that, your little friend? Who's sleeping around now, huh? Get up to your room and don't you dare think about running off again, unless you don't want to go to college and have a chance to get out of here." He left me then.

I managed to get up and stumble up the stairs to my room. I dropped on to my bed and buried under the sheets, curling into a ball of sobbing pain.

About an hour later I woke up from a fitful nap and got the journal.

_You know why I'm writing. You know what is coming up. Your birthday._

Caroline has a surprise for you, but she won't tell me what it is. She's afraid I wouldn't keep it a secret. She's probably right.

I hope you can see her, she's gotten so big. She'll graduate from sixth grade in May. Caroline still loves you so much.

I'm a little anxious about the get-together. You know how things are with Dad. He's so distant. He only cares about his stupid job. Hopefully things will be OK.

Mom seems good. She doesn't smile much though. I think she worries too much.

I wish you were here.  


**Welcome to the club of sucky fathers. We just have to live with it. We can't choose our parents. Hopefully your Dad doesn't hit you. It hurts; somewhat physically but mostly emotionally.**

I don't know what to do. I want to just leave but I want to go to college. I want to do something with my life.

I've thought about getting a job but that seems useless. There's no way I could make enough money to put myself through college.

I just don't know. Maybe I should give up on college and get out of here. I could find some store to work in. Maybe I could work with Aiden. That's not a bad idea. By the way, I wonder how your Aiden is. And I still wonder what your name is.

  
I closed my journal. Even though I had taken a nap, I felt exhausted. Stress will do that to you.

So I turned off the lights and put my I-pod on, drifting away to the music. 


	13. Chapter 13

I spent the next months just going to school and coming home, nothing special. Aiden had to cancel the concert because he couldn't find a band to play. We texted back and forth some but I hadn't been to visit him at all.

School was just school. James continued to sit with me at lunch. We had actually begun writing the paper. I interviewed a teacher and one of the janitors. I thought the comparison would be interesting. Even Mr. Johnson liked it.

"This is very good." He told James and I when he came over during work time to see how it was coming along, "A nice variety of interview participants. This paper idea was well thought out." "That was basically Emily's doing, sir." James said. Mr. Johnson smiled at me, "Well, excellent work. You two work well together. Hopefully, you will both keep in touch after school." He nodded then moved on to the next group.

I reached across the table and laid my hand on top of James's as a silent 'thank you'. He turned his hand to hold mine. I didn't pull away.

It felt so strange; I had never had this happen before. Butterflies were going rampant in my stomach. I had no idea how to react. Then, slowly my cheeks grew warm with a blush. James smiled.

I had completely forgotten about him. I was so focused on the drama of my home-life that I was oblivious to him. James was a constant good. He never wavered and was always with me at lunch. The end of school was about a month away and I had been ignoring the one person I might actually miss.

At lunch, I made it a point to be more focused on him. "Hey, when did the tables around us become empty?" I questioned. James looked confused, "You just now noticed? It's been that way for a couple of months. I think we scared them off." "Wow." I commented, "I guess I've been holed up in my head longer than I thought. I can't believe I missed that!" James shrugged, "You've been really out of it." "I was still somewhat coherent." I responded, "Like, see, that's a new book you're reading." He chuckled, "This is the third one in just this month alone. You haven't said a word before." I sunk back into my chair, "Oh. Sorry."

We ate in silence for a while then I spoke, "Can I tell you something?" "This is a trick, right?" James said, "You've never wanted to tell me anything." "I know." I replied, "But I just really want to say this." He sat down his fork and closed the book, "I'm all ears."

I let out a long breath, "You know, in the beginning of school you really annoyed me. All the girls wanted you." James interrupted and gestured around, "What girls?" "Well not now," I explained, "but the first days. All of them wanted to work with you in government." "That was quite a while ago. You can't still hold that over me." He said. I shook my head, "I don't. It's just that at that time I viewed you as some stuck up pretty boy. However, now you seem like a really nice guy. I'm sorry how I treated you before." He perked up on that, "I've forgiven you. Any chance you'll let me in a little now?" I half smiled, 'I can try." "That's all I'm asking." He smiled at me.

When the bell rang, James held back as I gathered up my stuff. "Walk you to class?" He offered. "Sure." I answered and he linked his arm with mine.

This wasn't half bad for a school day.


	14. Chapter 14

After school, I didn't see James. That was probably a good thing, though. The last thing I needed was Cathy interrogated me about him.

Almost as soon as we walked in front door, the phone rang. I went to get it.

"Hello?" I answered. "Hi, this is Elizabeth. Is Emily home from school?" the person on the other end asked. "Speaking." I replied, "Who is this again?" "Oh, hey Emily. This isn't really anybody named Elizabeth. This is Alyssa Craig, the social worker." I was confused, "Ok….why the fake name?" "I know your dad hit you. Your siblings saw it happen and called me. They got my number from your dad's cell; they're pretty resourceful. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this cleared. Geez, you're going to graduate soon. Stupid people and their stupid forms. You need to listen carefully. Only say 'yes' and 'no'; I don't want your father getting suspicious. He has no idea what I'm doing. You got all that?" She told me. "Yes." I said. "Good." Alyssa commented, "Now, I've got permission, due to abusive circumstances, to talk to you alone so I can clear you to visit your mom. I think your father has been using things against you to get you to hold the truth from me. Is this true? Don't lie to me. I need your participation." "Yes." I answered, truthfully. She went on, "Alright; must get my instincts from my father. Now, you need to make up an alibi; just whatever you want. It's probably best if your father didn't really know where you're going; just be careful. I'll see you soon." She gave me her address and I hung up the phone.

Dad was home now and hovering around in the living room. I reached into my pocket to get out my cell and dial the number. James answered on the second ring, "Hello, Emily." "Hey." I replied, "Are you busy?" He took a moment to respond, "Not at the moment, I'm all yours." Dad moved closer, pretending to look at the pictures on the mantle. "I think now would be a good time to finish our paper." I said, "It's due really soon and I'm not when I'll be free again. Can I come over?" "Absolutely." He replied, "I'll text you my address." "Ok. Thanks." I told him, "But, first, I need to stop by the library to get a few things. I might be a while." "Take all the time you need." James replied, "I think I've proven what a patient guy I am." I tried to his my smile, "I guess I'll see you in a bit. Bye." "Bye." He responded.

Dad was still by the mantle. "Can I go over to my partner's house? We need to finish the senior paper." I explained. "I can't deny you working on things for school." He answered, "Just go."

I caught a bus at the stop down the road. I had to switch buses a couple time since Alyssa Craig's office was just outside of Queens.

When I got there, she was standing outside. Alyssa waved at me as I got off the bus, "Good work on finding the place. It's tough commute, even for me. I usually take the subway."

Alyssa Craig led me into the building and up to her office on the third floor. "Make yourself at comfy." She told me as I sat on the couch. The room was pretty bare except for a few pictures on the desk and one hanging by the window. It was a pencil drawing of a guy sitting casually on a park bench, holding a cigarette. "Do you draw that?" I asked Alyssa, nodding toward the drawing. She shook her head, "No, a friend of mine did. It's a draw of my boyfriend; he passed away about ten years ago." "Oh, I'm sorry." I commented. "It's alright." She replied softly.

Alyssa sat at her desk, flipping through some papers. "Everything seems to be in order." She informed me, "Your mom is all set to move into the home. I'm going to need a signed statement from you on the form that prohibits your father from having any contact with your mother while she is in the group home; this includes phone calls and emails. But, maybe before you sign we should talk. What's been going on lately?" I shrugged, "Nothing I'm not used to. Dad hasn't hit me again but, it's always in the back of my mind. I'm afraid he'll lose his temper again and I won't be around. I don't want anything to happen to Mandy or Michelle; thought he only appears to be mad at me." "How so?" Alyssa Craig asked me. "Sometimes it's about my future; I don't have a clear direction yet. Right now, I just want explore my options but, he doesn't like that. He also thinks I have an attitude problem." She looked at me in disbelief, "What? Why?" "Because I talk back to him on what happened with my mom." I answered, "He knows I blame him for everything and that makes him angry." "Just playing the devil's advocate here, "Alyssa warned, "but your father did not force your mom to drink or to purposely wreck Cathy's car." I nodded, "I understand that but, he drove her to it; he lied and cheated. I blame him for hurting her." "That's understandable." Alyssa Craig stated, "But, just try and see it from both sides. I don't condone him hitting you. This is just my professional opinion to see it from both perspectives." "What's your personal opinion?" I asked, "Tell me." She smiled wryly, "I think he's a hot-tempered pervy old man who lacks self respect and common sense."

Alyssa changed the subject, "So, what is it that your dad is holding over you?" "Money." I replied, "He threatens to take away my college fund if I disobey him. That college fund money is the only money I have to my name. Dad does everything he can to prevent me from getting a job; he's even called places and told them not to hire me because I will steal. I mean, I could just take off but how am I supposed to get a job with no experience and no references? I want to make a better life for myself than I have now." Alyssa nodded, "I see. He's using your finical situation against you. I get it now. I can't force you to put your future at risk. Are you sure you want to sign?" "It's fine." I replied, "Yes, I'm sure I want to sign. I'm sick of all this drama; give me the paper." She handed me the form and I wrote next to Dr. Kellerman's statement. "What will happen to Mandy and Michelle?" I wondered out loud. "I'll watch them." Alyssa Craig stated, "This form also goes to child protective services, most likely they will ask me to stay assigned to your family. If your father his anymore 'outbursts' they might be taken from the home or Cathy will need to leave with them."

We both stood then, and she shook my hand, "Thank you for doing this Emily. Your mom is going to be in a really good place." "Yeah," I said, "I think being distanced from Dad will put her mind at ease." Alyssa agreed, "Dr. Kellerman thinks the same thing; that's why he wanted to make a statement also. Do you need me to show you the way out?" I shook my head, "No, I'm good. I need to go do something for school. Oh!...By the way, I'm sorry for how I was before. I was kind of out of it." She smiled, "It was no big deal; at least you didn't try to shoot me or anything. It's really ok. Honestly, afterward's I thought it was me. I have a double major, one in psychology and one in criminal justice. Sometimes, I get a little intense and go into 'bad cop interrogation mode'. Let's just forget the whole thing. Good luck with whatever you have to do for school." I just nodded and hurried out of the office, hoping to catch bus I had seen out the window.


	15. Chapter 15

Luckily, since I ran, I got to the bus and made my way to James's house; he lived near me, just a few streets over.

When I knocked on the door, James opened it. "No butler? I'm shocked." I commented. He ran a hand through his hair, "Actually, everybody has the night off. Mum and Dad are at a party; I didn't feel like going." "Even more shocking." I said, stepping inside.

The house was gorgeous, matching its occupant. James gestured around, "This is it." "Wow." Was all I could muster.

He led me up the beautiful oak staircase to his room. It wasn't as elaborate as the rest of the house; it was even slightly messy. "Huh, semi normal." I remarked and sat down on the edge of the bed. James sat at his computer and pressed the start button, "Did you find what you needed at the library?" "No, it was checked out." I lied, "It's ok. It wasn't that important."

We didn't speak much after that; just to discuss changes that needed to be made or when I asked to play his I-Pod that was docked in his I-Home. The final paper was typed in less than two hours.

"You're speedy." I told James. He smiled, "Thanks, but you made it easy for me; you're the writing genius behind this group. I just need to print this off and then we will be all done." As James set up the printer, I got up from the bed to look around his room. I went over to the left side of the room where there was a large bookcase.

Up until this point, I hadn't realized how quiet the house was. I was so used to yelling and the slamming of doors in my own house that this was almost eerie to have this much silence. The only noises were the faint humming of the printer and the music from James's I-Pod playing softly in the background.

_How does it feel to know you're everything I need?  
The butterflies in my stomach,  
They could bring me to my knees.  
_I ran my hand along a row of books, scanning through the titles- _Dracula, The Scarlet Letter, How Green Was My Valley_- a wonderful collection of classic novels.

_Oh I adore the way you carry yourself,  
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead.  
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt._

"Have you read any of these?" James asked as he came to stand behind me. "A few," I replied, "but only because I had to for school. I really don't seem to have time to myself to do any significant amount of reading." "That's a shame." He commented, "I think you would really enjoy some of them."

Without warning, James took a hold of my hand and slowly guided it to rest on the spine of an Elizabeth Barrett Browning book. "Love poems?" I questioned. "Exactly." He replied.

_How does it feel.  
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?  
Please don't come looking for me,  
When I get lost in the mess of your hair._

James used his hold on me to turn me around to face him. He pulled me in close, "Have you ever been in love?" "Once," I answered, "but he left. It was freshman year. I don't know how he truly thought about me but I really cared about him. Maybe I only felt so much because he was my first real boyfriend. What about you? Have you ever been in love?" "I thought so…" James drifted off. Then, slowly, he reached out with his free hand and trailed his fingertips along my jaw and gently skimmed over my lips. I didn't move a muscle, enjoying the sensation I felt at his touch. He lend in, "but you make me question myself." "I hope that's a good thing." I breathed. James lend in more and I closed my eyes in anticipation as he responded, "It is a very good thing. I would not have wanted a life where I just settled and never knew you existed. You make me think beyond what I believed love was about. Love is not just about being happy; it's about finding that one person who you feel you can say anything to and you know they won't judge you. You may have judged me in the beginning, but you gave me a chance to prove you wrong, eventually. That is all I have ever wanted. Emily, I want you to let me in. I want to know every one of your perfections and imperfections. I want you to be mine." I tried to come up with a response but James pressed his lips against mine and I lost my train of thought.

_Hold on to me girl,  
If you feel your grip getting loose.  
Just know that I'm right next to you.  
Hold on to me girl,  
If you feel your grip getting loose.  
Just know that I won't let you down. _

His hands glided down my arms and passed my hands to rest on my hips. He guided me in closer, deepening the kiss. I sighed and kissed back eagerly. My fingers slid through his hair as James gently held my face in his hands. His lips were soft and warm; my heart was pounding in my ears. "James." I whispered in between kisses.

_Well, I'm ready.  
Well, I'm ready.  
I am ready,  
To run away with you. _

I pushed back a little, only to give myself some working room. I undid the top button of James's shirt and he watched cautiously, "Emily?" "I just need to feel it." I told him. "Could we do something with my clothes on, perhaps?" He questioned. I shook my head, "No, it's not what you're thinking. I just need this. Trust me." James watched as I undid a couple more buttons; he looked worried.

_Just you and I in the sweet unknown.  
We can just call each other our home. _

After about four buttons, I was able to slip my hand into his shirt and place it on the skin above his heart. James continued to watch me with concern still in his eyes, "You wanted to feel my chest?" "Your heart." I remarked then closed my eyes.

_If I had to choose a way to die,  
It'd be with you,  
In a goosebump infested embrace,  
With my overanxious hands cupping your face. _

I tried to imagine his heart. I tried to picture it beating, blood flowing to and from it in tiny veins. I attempted to see it divided into little sections and find which part I occupied. I thought that touching above it would help me to visualize it better. I needed to make sense of this whole situation and retreating into metaphorical thought was how I set out to accomplish it; I just needed be able to be alone and think. Getting to feel his toned chest was just gravy.

_How does it feel? _

However, when I tried to picture his heart, I got nothing. All I could see was my father, standing over me red-faced with anger and his hand raised getting ready to hit me.

James broke into my thoughts, "Emily? Emily, did you hear me?" "I'm sorry." I said, "What?" He smiled somewhat shyly at me, "I just said it. Emily, I love you."

I slid out of his arms and cleared my throat, "Um…I think I need to go. Dad is probably wondering where I am." I started for the door. "No." James said in protest. He was by me in a flash, then pinned me against the wall. "Are you afraid of my feelings for you?" He asked, searching my eyes. I shook my head, "No, I just need to go home." "Don't lie to me." James shook me out desperation for an answer. This reminded me strongly of what I was afraid of; I couldn't deny it to myself. I forced back the threatening tears, "You'll hurt me." He looked at me, confused, then stroked my face, "What? I would never." "Please, just let me go." I begged. James released me and I hurried away from it all.

I caught a bus and ran up to my room as soon as I got home. I grabbed the notebook and just sat on the floor.

(words in italics are Tyler's writing, words in bold are Emily's writing.)

_Gandhi said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it. I tend to agree with the first. _

_Michael, you know what day I'm staring at. By 22, Gandhi had three kids, Mozart, 30 symphonies; and Buddy Holly was dead._

_And what have I done with my life? Nothing. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. How will people remember me?_

_I remember you, Michael. I remember how much you loved the family and how much you loved music. No one I've met can hold a candle to the musician that you were._

_I'm not ready to be 22._

_You once told me, our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch. Is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?_

**Once again, we're in the same boat. I haven't done anything with my life either.**

**I wouldn't know anything about 22 yet, but I enjoyed turning 18. I was happy to not be considered a 'kid' anymore.**

**Unknown, I wish you were here. We could talk all this out. I could discuss my new found issue with love.**

**I really like James. I didn't before but now I can't stop thinking about him. But, when do you know it is safe to love someone? When do you know you can trust someone so completely that you can give them your heart?**

**All most every man in my life has hurt me; aside from Aiden of course.**

**The boyfriend from freshman year promised to call me but he never did. Dad used me as a personal punching bag.**

**When do you know it is the right time to let someone in your life?**


	16. Chapter 16

The next week at school, James was avoiding me. He didn't sit with me at lunch anymore. Instead, he sat outside at one of the picnic tables. The only time he spoke to me was when we presented our senior paper to Mr. Johnson.

I couldn't really blame him, though. I pushed him away at a time when he was so vulnerable and so desperately wanted to be with me. The best thing I could do now was just to leave him alone. He deserved at least that.

On Friday, I got a surprise call from Aidan. I hadn't seen him in months.

I was in my room doing homework when my phone went off. "Hello?" I answered. "Hey, Em." Aidan responded, "Is everything OK? I haven't talked to you in a long time. Sorry I didn't call sooner." "It's fine." I told him, "I'm doing pretty good; just got really busy with school, that's all." "School comes first." He commented, "Hey, you have some free time? Today is going slow and I just got a shipment of pumpkin spice in. I was wondering if my favorite customer wanted to come do some taste testing." "Sure," I replied, "just need to finish up some physics and I'll be right over." "'Kay. See ya then." Aidan said. "Bye." I ended the call.

I rushed through the last couple of physics problems then threw on some jeans and a shirt and headed out to catch a bus to the Coffee Bar.

When I got there, there wasn't a soul in the place. Aidan was sitting at a table with two steaming mugs. "Smells good." I commented, sitting down with him. He nodded and took a drink, "If I ever have surgery, all they're gonna find when they open me up is coffee and alcohol; I'm sure some of that is still floating around in there." I smiled slightly then took a drink of mine. Aidan watched me, "You sure everything is OK? You look beat." "Just school." I answered.

We sat silent for a moment, continuing to drink. Aidan spoke first, "You are officially invited." "To what?" I asked, curiously. "To the Coffee Bar's first concert in a long, long time." He told me, "I found a group called 'Pandas on Wall Street'. They sounded pretty good when I heard them over in Coney Island. The show is this weekend; if you're interested." "I should be able to make it." I replied. "It'll be fun." He coaxed.

Aidan went and put our empty mugs in the new dishwasher. He came back carrying a CD. "What's that?" I inquired. "'Pandas on Wall Street's' EP. I thought you might be persuaded with a little taste." He answered, popping the CD into the stereo behind the counter.

The music had a nice beat to it and whoever was singing had a really good voice; not too whiny like some front men of today.

Aidan just stood there then motioned for me to come over. I walked to him and he took my hand. He spun me around so fast, I got wobbly and he laughed. I laughed nervously as I tried to regain my balance and Aidan laughed at that too. I laughed at myself and before I knew it, we were both dancing around, almost in tears. But, abruptly, my tears were falling fast and I wasn't laughing anymore.

Aidan quickly went and shut off the music then ran back and hugged me. "Emily, tell me what's wrong." He demanded. I shook my head and rested it against his shoulder. He held me tighter, "Well, I'm not letting go until you do."

I didn't speak for a long time and Aidan continued to hold on, occasionally stroking my hair.

Finally, after about three minutes, I was able to somewhat control myself, "He hit me." "Who?" Aidan asked. "Dad." I replied. I felt him stiffen up, "That's it; your moving in with me. This is my fault. I jinxed you." I shook my head, "Aidan..." He interrupted, "I'm serious. I will not let anyone hurt you. The girl I told you about, her dad slapped her. He was just super overprotective; they were just having a rough time. They're great now. Why did your ad hit you?" "He cheated on mom." I told him, "He knows I won't forgive him and that I can't stand what he did." I could sense the anger coming off of Aidan, "He has no right. You are staying with me. He won't touch you. We'll drive to your house and get some stuff then you can crash ay my place." His voice was shaking; he was barely able to make complete sentences. I had never seen him like this.

He let me go and then led me to his car.

When we got to my house, no one was home. I figured they had all gone out for dinner.

I went up to my room and packed some pajamas, changes of uniforms, plain clothes, and my little journal.

On my way out, I noticed Dad's Visa card lying on the side table in the hallway by the front door. I knew I would eventually need leverage and this was it. I stuffed the card in my pocket and went back out to Aidan.

He didn't say a word on the way back.

I was happy to see his apartment again. I sat my stuff by the couch once more and Aidan went into the kitchen. "You look like you could use some chicken noodle soup (and a panini! haha. couldn't resist)." He said and got a can out of the pantry.

I joined Aidan in the kitchen, sitting down at the table, "Can I tell you about something else?" "Absofreakinlutely." He replied, smiling to himself and getting out a pot. I messed with the salt shaker, "There's this guy from school..." Aidan chuckled, "Ah, my introduction into the secret society of girl gossip." I rolled my eyes and went on, "It's, uh, James Watson. We had to do a big project together and, well, we kissed." "Oh my gawd! Spill!" He commented while stirring the soup. "It's scary how you do that voice so well." I responded, "But, James and I didn't work out. I sort of freaked when he told me he loved me." "Why? Do you have feelings for him?" Aidan asked. "I really like him, but I'm just not sure. I mean, I'm worried about it. I don't want to get hurt. I can't figure out when it is right to love somebody."

The soup was done now and Aidan joined me at the table. "Don't try to figure it out." He said, "I learned a while ago that love just happens; it's out of our control. There is no wrong or right time. You just have to go with it."

After we ate, Aidan helped me make my bed on the couch.

"Hey, I didn't know you had a tattoo." I had just noticed the name 'Tyler' written on Aidan's arm. "Yeah." He replied, pushing up his sleeve a little more to show me, "He was a good friend of mine. He was killed." "I had no idea. I'm so sorry." I commented, sitting down on the couch. Aidan didn't respond and tossed the blanket over me. "Get some sleep." He ordered, "You need it." I obediently lay down, resting my head on the soft pillow. "'Night, Em." Aidan said, flipping off the light. "Good night." I answered.

I laid still under the blanket for about an hour, unable to fall asleep. I turned on the lamp by me and reached into my bag to get out the journal.

_Well, I had a new experience: I got arrested. I went with Aidan to this bar where some girl he knows works. She blew him off, as the girls he 'knows' usually do. Then we met two girls wearing cowboy hats from Miami. Of course, Aidan got wasted, hung all over them and I guess they thought it was cute because they asked if we could show them around. You know Aidan; or course he said yes._

So, we were leaving the bar and some band was unloading their van and having some sort of argument with some other guys in the alley.

Then somebody threw a punch and fighting ensued.

Michael, the next thing I remember was being in the middle of the fight.

I was just hitting people and then I heard the sirens. Some cop grabbed me and slammed me into the windshield of his car after we had a 'disagreement'. I later got to ride in it.

So, Aidan and I got locked up. We even got the 'official phone call'. Aidan went first. Oh, you'll love this; guess who he called.

Dad.

Yep, I was pretty ticked.

Dad posted bail and we were out.

Hey Michael, remember that Greek myth you read to me about that god who banished all his children to the underworld? And how his youngest son, to get even, castrated him with a cycle? It's a little excessive, maybe, but I get it.  


Then the pen color changed and it looked like the entry and been finished a little while after it had began.

_Continuing on Dad, I'm at a loss. It sickens me how he treats Caroline._

Oh, breaking news, the cop who busted up my face has a daughter. Aidan says I should sleep with her to mess with her dad.

He's got quite the sick little, alcoholic mind, doesn't he?  


I noticed how after this entry, some pages appeared to be ripped out. Maybe he had gone into more detail about Aidan's plan then decided to throw it out.

**Wow, that is sick.**

My Aidan is a recovering alcoholic. Coincidence? Hmmm...

I'm currently living with him.

I was going to say that I've never done anything to get in trouble with the law, but I momentarily forgot I stole Dad's credit card. I guess he could report that to the police.

I can't sleep. I forgot to bring my I-Pod; music usually helps put me out. I can't count sheep because I always get so focused that I can't go to sleep.

I'm rambling, aren't I?

I need to sleep; I have school tomorrow.

Well, good night, Unknown.

And, by the way, you better not have slept with his daughter, because I might slam your face in a car windshield if you had.


	17. Chapter 17

Aidan made me waffles before school the next day and gave me a ride.

Once again, people stared as I got out of his car. "He's not my boyfriend." I said as I walked past the on-lookers.

Since it was the end of the year, we did nothing in our classes but watch movies.

In government, we watched The Patriot. Why a Mel Gibson film? James wasn't watching; he was busy with a book.

I felt bad about what happened between us. It was my job to make amends. I mean, we could still be friends, right? Honestly, I missed the company.

During lunch, I left the safety of my table and went over to the soccer team table where James had now started sitting again.

"Hey, James." I said, standing behind him. "Go away, freak." One of the guys said, tossing a waded up napkin at my shoulder. I ignored that and spoke to James again, "I'm sorry about what happened. You just have to understand that I just can't do it. I'm sorry I upset you. I still want to be friends. Let me make it up to you. There's this concert on Friday at the Coffee Bar by NYU and I was hoping you could come, just if you're interested."

Everybody at the table didn't seem to be listening. I thought my apology had fallen on deaf ears until James got up to put his tray away. As he walked past me he whispered, "This is quite the déjà vu trip. Why should I accept your offer when you wouldn't accept mine?" "James, please." I whispered back, but he just walked away.

I felt miserable the rest of the day. I really, really had made a mess of things.

Aidan noticed my disposition when he picked me up after school. "Why the long face?" He asked. "I tried apologizing to James." I told him, "I invited him to the concert but he just blew me off." Aidan put his arm behind my seat, "If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, then..." He trailed off as he parallel parked. I shrugged, "Yeah, I guess."

When we got inside the apartment, Aidan sat on the couch to look over the mail I laid down next to him, putting my feet on his lap. He grinned, "Do I make a good foot rest?" "Yep." I answered.

Aidan pushed my feet off to throw away some junk mail then turned around to face me, "You really love this James guy, don't you?" I shot up, "What? No! I mean...I don't know. It's- it's complicated. Can we not discuss this?" "Fine." He replied, "Have it your way, even though I think this is the wrong way to go about things. There is a guy out there whose heart is bleeding for you." 'Whatever." I grumbled, flipping on the TV.

The rest of my final week was just a load of silence. Those last school days always drag on. In government we switched to Braveheart. Does the teacher have the hots for Mel our what?

It was such a relief when Friday rolled around. The school was closed for the afternoon graduation. I had called Mom the night before. We talked for a long time; we hadn't talked for awhile. She reacted surprisingly well when I told her about my living situation. "Will this young man be at your graduation?" Mom asked me. "Yes." I replied. I was too chicken to tell her he wasn't exactly young. "Good. I look forward to meeting him." She said. I loved how my mom could care less about Dad's input on the subject.

Friday morning, Aidan practically pulled me off the couch. "Wake up! I made a bunch of random breakfasty stuff for my favorite Grad." He said, excitedly. Then he seriously picked me up and carried me to the kitchen.

Today was going to be interesting.

Hiya! No more high school woot! Now it's time to get ready for college and then most likely studying in England for six months sophomore year. Anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing! I think I see what you are talking about with the paragraphs. I will fix what I think you're talking about. I also noticed for the past several posts I have been spelling Aidan wrong. It is Aidan not Aiden like I had been putting. My fail.


	18. Chapter 18

The school's gym was packed. From my seat, I could see my mom in the front row. Aidan was at the opposite end. I guessed I should have introduced them before so they wouldn't have to sit alone.

When Aidan caught me looking at him, he started making weird faces. I got so distracted giggling they had to call my name twice. "Emily Carson!" The principal announced. There was a short round of applause and Mom's camera flashed as I walked across the stage to get my diploma. As soon as it was in my hand, I heard my mom say loudly, "That's my baby! That's my little girl!" I flushed a bright red and I could faintly hear Aidan laughing.

After it was all over, Mom was the first one to reach me. She shoved through the crowd and gave me a long hug. "I'm so proud of you." She said to me. Aidan soon appeared and handed me a little wrapped box, "I picked this up months ago. Take good care of it. I hope you get some use out of it." I smiled as I unwrapped the package. Inside was a silver writing pen with my initials engraved on the clip. "Aidan!" I exclaimed, "This is amazing. Thank you so much." "You've earned it after all the hard work." Aidan said as I hugged him. He took this opportunity to whisper in my ear, "And after all you've been through." Mom watched us, giving him a look over, "So this is Aidan." I nodded. "Well, you're a bit older than I would like, but I guess things are different now that my child is eighteen. Emily's father and I were almost ten years apart. She's always acted older for her age and I always suspected she would bring home an older man. Now if you were in you forties there would be a problem, but you look about thirty and I can live with that." She commented. I shook my head, "Mom, we're not dating." "Oh..." Mom trailed off, still confused by the situation.

We all just stood there for a moment until my mom reached down and picked up a shirt box. "This is for you." She explained, handing it to me.

I opened the box and pulled out what was inside; it was white summer dress that came down to my knees. "This is beautiful." I told her. "I made it." Mom said, "I ordered the material and found instructions online. My girl deserves something beautiful." "I love it, Mom." I replied, hugging her.

Mom looked around. "Your father didn't come." She observed, "And neither did the who...er, Cathy." Aidan bit his lip to not chuckle at Mom almost calling Cathy a whore. I leaned against my mom's shoulder, "I wasn't expecting them to."

Aidan took my mom and me out for an early dinner, since she had to be back to the home soon. "Have you been taking good care of my daughter?" Mom questioned Aidan while we ate. "Yes ma'am." He answered, "You have a very special young woman." She smiled, "I know it."

Things were quiet for a while until Mom added, "Are you sleeping with her?" "Mother!" I exclaimed. Aidan choked. Mom sat down her fork and looked at him sternly, "Well? I think I deserve an explanation as to why you to are together. I mean, do you love her? I am having a hard time understanding why you two are living together and then tell me you are note dating. Did you secretly get married? Did you get my daughter pregnant? I don't like being lied to. You know I have no judgment, Emily, but I just want to know what this man is in your life." Aidan was scrambling for a response and people in the restaurant were starting to stare. "Mom!" I hissed under my breath, "We are just friends. I left home and Aidan offered me a place to stay. I swear to you that nothing is going on between us. Look, I-I'm a virgin. Can we please not discuss this right now?" I felt my face flush and Aidan looked away and sort of snickered then I heard him mumble something about an 'oblivious blonde toothbrush girl and the single ladies universal tote'. I had no idea what that was about; probably another one of his memories of past friends.

Mom now turned her attention to me, "Why did you leave the house?" This was the question I had been dreading. I couldn't think of a solid excuse that didn't involve Mom finding out that Dad hit me. "Well, you know how Dad can be..." I improvised, "He's just busy and with Cathy and the twins there, ya know, I...uh...I just don't quite feel like I fit in over there." I caught Aidan rolling his eyes. "You could have called." Mom said, "I would have straightened things out." "It's fine." I told her, "I'm happy where I am." She looked at Aidan then back at me, "If you're happy that's all that matters."

When we were done eating, Aidan drove Mom to the group home and we went to the Coffee Bar to set up for the concert. I helped him plug in the sound equipment.

An hour later, Pandas on Wall Street arrived to get ready and guests slowly started to trickle in. Aidan got to his post: behind the counter.

I got a spot near the front of the stage; groups of giggling girls were behind me.

"Is everybody ready for some music?" The lead singer spoke into the mic. The crowd of about thirty cheered.

The first song they played was the one Aidan had had me listen to. I honestly thought I liked it better live.

During the chorus of the third song, I felt someone tap my shoulder. At first I thought it was just somebody dancing behind me, but then they tapped again more forcibly this time. I turned around to see who it was.

James Watson was standing there.

He motioned for me to come and I followed him to the hallway by the storage room.

I leaned against the wall. I could already feel that this was going to be one heck of a conversation.

"Don't move, ok?" James asked of me, "Just close your eyes and let me do this my way." "Fine." I replied, obediently closing my eyes.

I gasped in surprise when I felt his lips at the base of my throat. He traveled up my neck to explore my jaw, occasionally stopping to turn his focus to my mouth.

About a minute passed before he stopped and I opened my eyes.

"Well, you're not completely repulsed be me." James commented. I was confused, "Of course not. What gave you that impression?" He crossed his arms defensively, "Well, we were having what I thought was a nice time. You undid some buttons, I told you I love you, and then you run out on me. I figured you must have been freaked out by what you saw or felt. I shook my head, "No, I just...I thought we were done." James scoffed, "I wasn't. You know, when somebody tells you that they love you the other person usually has some type of response. Do you have anything to say?" "No." I replied quietly, looking down at the floor. He nodded, "That's what I thought. You know, I don't get you. I thought I did, but apparently not. I thought we were getting along and feeling the same things. What is so wrong with loving me?" "James, I just can't. But, I'm fine with being friends." I said. James hit the wall out of frustration, "I want you to tell me what is really going on here! What is the specific reason that you can't love me? Emily Carson, I have completely fallen for you and I do not know how to pick myself up from this! Don't I deserve a real reason and not some vague answer? Because, with the way we were before, there is no way you can just want to be friends. You saw part of me no one else has ever seen; I opened up to you. Do not tell me that this is all just as simple as being friends. "I just stood in shock, watching him rant. He was making this impossible for me.

"My father hit me!" I blurted out.

James stopped pacing around, "What?" "My own father hit me." I repeated, "He just couldn't stand me anymore. He doesn't care. I do not know how to trust a man with my heart. I care for you so much that it scares me. I am scared that you will break me. I don't think I could survive that."

James moved close to me, "You just have to trust me. All I can do is give you my word that I will give you the life you deserve. If I don't, feel free to walk away and never look back. Do not let the pains of the past influence what you do today." "I'll need some time to get used to all of this." I explained. "I will give you whatever you need." He replied, wrapping his arms around me, "We will make this work."

When we walked back to the main room, the concert had just ended. People were leaving and Aidan was cleaning tables, saying something about how that was the shortest set he had ever seen.

I tuned to face James, "I better go help him." "Yeah." He answered, "I have to get home. I 'declined' to tell my parents where I would be this evening. I'll call, text, email, or possibly send you a carrier pigeon later." I smiled and gave him a quick kiss before he left.

Aidan was still grumbling as he picked up some empty mugs. "Need help?" I offered. He shook his head, "No. I'll finish this up tomorrow. I'm going to go take a long, hot shower then go to bed."

I followed him up to the apartment. He went straight to the bathroom and I heard him lock the door. "Don't drown yourself in there!" I called after him and sat down on the couch. I got the journal and flipped to the next entry. 

_Michael, last night I made love to a girl. I can't call it sex, because it was so much more than that. For once, I actually cared to the point that I felt nervous. I can't imagine going back to just sex after this._

Ally is amazing; you'd really like her. She is the daughter of the cop I told you about.

Now I know what you are thinking but that's not what happened!

I asked her on one date, just to mess with Aidan. That was honestly the best first date I have ever been on; though I think it was one of the few official dates I have been on. She was smart, witty, and easy to talk to. She wasn't like most people I've been with.

She came over to the apartment for a second date. Well, Aidan showed up and convinced us to go to this party with him. Ally got dunk. I mean, really wasted and it was all Aidan's fault. She passed out and didn't get to her house till the next morning.

Later the next day, she showed up. She had had a falling out with her dad. I think she mumbled something about him slapping her before falling asleep on my bed.

So I let her sleep in my bed and went to make up the couch for myself. Aidan went out to see some girl.

A couple hours later, Ally came out to thank me for letting her stay here. I guess it was just the right moment. Everything just fell into place and it was perfect.

I will never forget it.

I know I sound like a gushing little preteen, but I just had to tell you about her.

**That is a really weird way to meet a girl. Really, really weird; but, hey, if it works for you then go with it. I wonder if you two are still together.**

I'm officially not single anymore. James and I are going to try and work things out. This makes me so nervous. I want to give him everything I have, but I'm afraid of losing it all. And I'm fairly certain that sentence makes no sense. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.

James is unlike any sort of relationship with any other male I have ever had. He seems like this very traditional type of guy who knows exactly what he wants in life. At every turn I expect him to get down on one knee and then carry me off to get married the moment I say 'yes'. But I think this is what is right for me. I need some stability in my life.

I think the world is made up of all different people with different beliefs and opinions, and until we accept that we will get nowhere in life. We all have to do what we feel is right for ourselves. It's a basic need.

I feel that my relationship with James will differ from yours with Ally in some ways because you and James are two unique people. Honestly, this scares me a bit. This is completely uncharted territory. Love is so diverse. But, just think, if we were all the same the world would be very boring.

I hope you and Ally have your own personal happiness and love. Goodness knows you deserve it. Wish me luck with mine.

I wish I knew who you were.

And, just as a side note here, when I came to stay with Aidan and I told him what happened with Dad, he mentioned about something similar happening to one of his friends who had also come to stay with him.

Could they both be your Ally? Are our Aidans the same?

I'll have to ask mine in the morning.

I'm really sorry for the super short chapter last time :( I hope this makes up for it :)

If I get behind in posting I'm sorry. We keep losing power here because of storms. We've already been having tornados.

Anyway…this part has me thinking back to graduation last weekend. The girl I walked in next to had the same first name, middle name, and last initial as me. Small world. Also, one boy in my class's last name was Watson. His middle name was James. Haha. Pretty sure I snickered when they called him up.

In other news, Emilie de Ravin (I love her name) is married to Josh Janowicz. For you Degrassi fans out there, he played the Lakehurst student who killed J.T. Yorke. (RIP JT). She also has a dog named Bella.


	19. Chapter 19

When I woke up, Aidan was gone. He had left a note on the front door saying he had gone to the store to pick up some things.

I toasted myself a poptart for breakfast and sat at the table, alone.

Well, this was depressing. Since there was no more school, there was no more work. I didn't have anything to do. I've never really had free time like this before.

So, I turned to my one other source of companionship. That little journal was one of the few things that kept me from feeling alone.

_There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I remember all the things you told me. I've never had a moment where your voice wasn't echoing in my head._

From you I learned that all you can be is yourself and people will remember you that way. For example, I'll always remember Aidan as the crazy guy who made me not feel so crazy. I mean this in the best way possible.

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will, like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: you're nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever.

It may scare be but I know Alyssa Craig is my forever. I can't imagine a life without her. And, it's still hard for me to live this life without you.

Michael, Caroline asked me what I would say if I knew you could hear me. I said I do know: I love you. God, I miss you. And I forgive you.

################################################## ###################################

**Ok, now this is just too weird. My social worker's name is Alyssa Craig. I mean, there could be more than one in New York. And we both have a friend named Aidan. It's just odd. Am I just going nuts or is something going on here?**

Forgetting that for a moment, I'm not quite sure where James and I are headed. I know he makes me feel not so lost. He found part of me that was missing. He found the part that keeps things bottled up inside and he made it open up a bit. He found the part that was hurt by my father and told it that that is not how love works. He in turn gave me a part that just lets me ignore it all and lets me follow my heart and mind. I don't know how to tell him thank you for all that he gave me. James has given me a part of my life back.

And I can't forget Aidan. I could never have asked for a better friend. He's been there for me through everything.

I want so much to know who you are. You are the reason that I let James and Aidan come into my life. You are my constant support group. I owe you a HUGE hug and a lot more.

I hope I can meet you someday.

  
Just then Aidan came through the door, his arms full of bags. "A little help here?" He asked. I quickly closed the journal and threw it in my bag then rushed to help him.

As I was sitting some bags on the counter, Aidan left to go get more bags from his car and my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered. "Emily? Is that you?" Dad asked. "Yeah, it's me. Who else would it be?" I replied, "Any who, what's up?" "Where is it?" Dad inquired, angrily. I played dumb, "What are you talking about?" He sighed, "My Visa card. I always keep it in the house and I've looked everywhere. I know you took it." I smirked, "It took you this long to figure out? Wow. So, what are you going to do about it?" "You know damn well what I'm going to do about it. I'm taking away your college fund." I chuckled, "No you're not. You see, you're forgetting that the Visa card was bought for 'emergency purposes only', as you told me. You made it so it can be used by anybody in the house; this includes me. So, if you take away my college money I think Aidan and I will go on a little shopping spree. And then, when you're so far in debt you can't even stand up, I think I'll cut up the little card." "You wouldn't dare." He said in disbelief. "Try me." I responded.

He paused for awhile before speaking, "I want that card back. What will it take?" "I am going to come down to your office. Then, you are going to sign all that college money over to me and I will give back the Visa card. That is my only offer." I told him. "Fine." Dad snapped at me, "Be here at two o'clock." "Alrighty." I answered and closed my phone.

"What was that all about?" Aidan asked; he had just walked back into the apartment a few seconds before my phone conversation ended. "I just closed a deal." I replied, "Can I have a ride over to Wall Street later?"

(Later)

Right at two o'clock we pulled up to Dad's office building. "Why do you need to come here?" Aidan asked, looking up at the building. I had been trying to avoid telling him but I felt I needed to be truthful, "Dad is signing my college fund over to me." He locked the doors, "No." "Aidan!" I argued. "You are not going in there." He stated, "I told you that I would never let him hurt you." "Just trust me." I urged, "I have my cell, if I need anything I will call. Please, Aidan." He sighed and unlocked the doors.

I left the car and went into the building, taking the stairs up to the second floor.

Dad was waiting for me in the lobby. I silently followed him back to his office. We sat at his small conference table.

He sighed and slid the form to me, which he had already signed. I wrote down my name then put it in my bag and pulled out the Visa card. Dad took it out of my hand. "Thank you." He grumbled, putting it in his shirt pocket. I bet this was the quickest meeting he had ever had.

I went to leave but stopped at the doorway. "I forgive you." I said. Dad looked at me, confused, "What?" "I forgive you for hurting me; not just about you hitting me but also about how you tore the family apart. I was so lost when the marriage ended." I explained, "I've been wandering through life wondering who I was and if I could ever find myself. Well, guess what, I don't know exactly where life will take me but I know some things I want out of life and I have met people that are willing to help me with that. I can finally move on with my life and I don't want to waste any part of it hating you; it's not worth it. And, honestly, I feel sorry for you. I hope someday you learn from your mistakes and grow from them. I forgive you." Then I stepped out of the office and closed the door behind me.

On my way to the main lobby, I passed another large office. This guy had a ton of pictures. One on a table by the door caught my attention; I thought the person in it looked familiar. I went inside to investigate.

When I looked closer, I couldn't believe what I saw.

In the pictures was younger version of my Aidan standing next to some guy I had never seen before in the doorway of a dorm. He had dark blondish hair and was very good-looking (hehe ^_^). 

I moved to another picture that surprised me even more. Aidan was in graduation attire next to my social worker Alyssa Craig, who was also in a cap and gown. What was going on here?

The blond guy was in the next picture I looked at. He was sitting between an older boy and young girl under a banner that read 'Happy Birthday Caroline'. Well, I had definitely heard that name before.

Just then an older gentleman in a grey suit walked in. "Hello" He greeted in surprise, "Can I help you?" "Oh. I'm sorry." I apologized, "I was just on my way out and got distracted by all your pictures. I was just here to see Dad...er, Mr. Carson." "You're Reynold's oldest girl, Emily." He commented, "I keep telling him to bring you in. I've met his wife and twins. I'm by the way." "Nice to meet you." I replied, "Once again, sorry about barging in." Mr. Hawkins smiled, "It's alright. Nobody around here has ever really taken an interest in my pictures. It's nice to have somebody looking at them who is not just after a raise." He noticed me looking at the birthday picture. "Those are my kids." Mr. Hawkins told me, "The little girl is Caroline, it was her birthday. The boy in the middle is Tyler. The other boy is Michael."

Caroline and Michael...

Tyler?

Didn't Aidan have a tattoo of that name?

"Mr. Hawkins, I have to tell you, I recognize some people in your pictures." I pointed to the graduation one, "That girl is my social worker Alyssa Craig and the guy is Aidan, a close friend of mine. That's pretty bad that I don't know his last name." Mr. Hawkins was surprised, "You know Aidan and Ally? His last name is Hall. You see, my son Tyler dated Ally and Aidan was his roommate. I haven't seen them in a while. I have been busy with getting the new office set up; it's a bad habit of mine. I really should call them. They still doing good?" "Yeah, as far as I know." I answered then turned my attention back to the birthday picture, "You have a nice family. Is this a recent picture?" He chuckled softly, "No; Caroline's off at an art school in Greece and Michael and Tyler are...gone..." "G-Gone?" I didn't understand. Mr. Hawkins nodded, "Yes. Michael...he, um...he took his own life and-" I interrupted, "Wait, I have an odd question for you. Did Tyler keep a journal?" He smiled, "I rarely saw him without him carry that thing around. Why do-" I interrupted again, "Where is Tyler now?" He looked extremely confused, "He's gone like I said. He was killed on September eleventh."

My heart just completely dropped out of my chest. Aidan's tattoo. What I had thought was an NYC skyline was the World Trade Center and the date…oh my….

"I'm sorry. I really need to be heading out." I lied. "Well, alright." Mr. Hawkins replied, "Say 'hi' to Ally and Aidan for me the next time you see them. It was nice meeting you, Emily. Feel free to stop by any time. I have more pictures I could show you. Oh, before you go, how did you know about Tyler's journal?" I shrugged and smiled nervously, "Aidan probably told me about it. You know how he is, chatty chatty. It was nice meeting you too, sir."

After I got out of the office, I dashed through the lobby and opted for the stairs.

When I reached Aidan's car, I knocked on the window. "Get out." I ordered. He obviously saw the distress on my face because he quickly got out of the car and raced around to meet me. "Em, what's wrong? Do I need to go in there and kick someone's tailored ass?" Aidan questioned. "Aidan Hall." I said. "Yep. That's me." He answered, "Now, what's wrong?" "So it is you. Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. He was confused, "Sorry. I guess I should have told you my last name sooner but what is upsetting about that?" "No, that's not what I'm talking about." I pointed to his arm, "Tyler Hawkins." Aidan eyes widened slightly, "I didn't know that you knew Tyler." I put my hand on my forehead, "Exactly. So you were never going to tell me about Tyler or Ally or Caroline or even Michael. Am I some sick joke to you? Am just some little girl who had a broken heart that looked like an easy lay?" "What are you talking about? Why would we talk about them?" He asked. "I know about your past!" I yelled in response, "I'm just one of your play things, aren't I? Like the girls you chased after in bars. Were you just waiting for the right moment to pounce on me?" "Emily, all that you are talking about was ten years ago. I've done some life-changing since then." He replied. "And I guess I'm just supposed to believe that." I commented then reached into my bag and pulled out the journal. Aidan watched me in shock, "What-where did you get that?" "It doesn't matter!" I continued to yell, "I don't know how I got myself in with all of this! I just wanted to...live. I wanted to figure it all out on my own but then he just came into my life so abruptly. I didn't ask for it! I don't want to feel this ache in my heart that is threatening to rip it to shreds. I can't do this! I don't want a dead man's diary!" I threw Tyler's journal and Aidan skillfully caught it. "I don't fully understand what is going on here but, ya know, we can talk about it." "No. I'm done." I told him and began to walk away. "Emily! C'mon! Look, please don't go, okay? I just...please don't leave." I took off at a run, not even glancing back. 


	20. Chapter 20

When I was five, my mother read me a fairytale each night as she tucked me into bed. She told me that one day I would be that beautiful princess with the perfect happily ever after. She told me that all my dreams would come true. I believed every word. However, as I got older my dreams become more complex and I realized I would have to fight to fulfill them. But, how do you fight for something that isn't even there?

I was standing on the broken up street in front of Ground Zero. I was right up to the metal fence that surrounded it, peering through a hole in the second protective border of construction site cardboard covering. My right hand was up by my face, gripping the fence.

The sound of the police siren didn't even make me flinch nor did the sound of a second car's tires coming to a screeching halt. I heard doors slamming and then Alyssa, or rather, Ally's voice, "Emily! Oh thank God." I heard Aidan too, "Em! Em, are you alright?" A radio crackled and then there was a third voice I didn't recognize, "Hey Carl, we got her. Tell the boys to head on back; I got it from here. Tell her mom."

There were footsteps and then someone was standing beside me. It was the voice I didn't know, "Hello, Miss Carson. I'm Captain Neil Craig with NYPD. It's good to see you. You had a lot of people worried. When you left Aidan, he realized what office building he was parked in front of and went up and Mr. Hawkins let him use his phone to call Ally, since Aidan had tried his cell phone only to discover the battery was dead. Ally called me, I'm her father, and I got a hold of your mother; she is down at the station. I spent all day making phone calls and getting nowhere. I pulled some strings and got your description out on local radio. Luckily, about five minutes ago a woman called and told us she spotted you over here. So, I got in my squad car with Ally and your whack job of a friend Aidan over there followed me. Isn't that some story?" I shrugged. "How about you tell me a story? Like how you got Tyler Hawkins's journal and met all these people." Captain Craig suggested. "I bought it," I told him, "just a little ways down the street. It was only fifty cents. The shop clerk said he had just found it. I didn't discover Tyler's writings until later. I saw words but I guess I just really wanted the journal and really didn't care. I read all of his entries and wrote back to each one. He's a nice guy." I cleared my throat then went on, "Ally was the social worker assigned to my family's case, Dad works with Mr. Hawkins, and I just stumbled upon Aidan at the Coffee Bar." "You whanna tell me about what you wrote to Tyler?" Capt. Craig questioned, "You don't have to go into specifics but maybe give me a general idea then we could talk." "I'm fine." I replied. "What about your hand?" He asked. I was holding on to the fence so tightly that it had dug into my fingers and blood was running down my hand. "It's fine." I answered. "Alright." He said, "Well, how about we get something to eat. Are you hungry? I know a diner a couple blocks over that has a great dinner menu." At that moment I just realized it was dark. When had the sun set? Or had there ever been a sun at all? "Captain Craig, I would prefer to stay here." I responded.

I heard him move away from me and a softer set of footsteps approached me. "Don't ask me how am I am." I told Ally. She just stood there and I could feel her watching me, cautiously. "Have you ever read The Kite Runner?" I asked. "Once." She answered, "I saw the movie too." "Hating a group of people based upon how they live or their beliefs is the most horrible thing in the world." I said, "It can take the most precious thing away from you." Ally replied, "I know." Out of the corner of my eye, I caught her moving a hand towards me. Every muscle in my body tightened, "Do. Not. Touch. Me." "Emily, Tyler..." Ally tried but I cut her off, "Don't. Just don't." My grip on the fence strengthened and fresh blood went down to my wrist.

Ally walked away from me and a heavier set of footsteps came up behind me. Strong arms grabbed me pulled me off the fence. I screamed, "No! Let me go!" I struggled and fought as hard as I could but Aidan's hold was unbreakable. "You stupid assaholic!" I yelled. "Stop fighting me!" He yelled back, "Now, you listen to me Emily Carson, I care way too much about you to watch you kill yourself over this. Tyler is dead! I am sorry but when those towers came down he was lost to us. Standing here at this site is not going to bring him back! He is gone, Emily!" At that moment, I collapsed into Aidan's chest and broke down in gasping sobs.

He picked me up, taking me to Capt. Craig's squad car. Ally followed close behind. Aidan placed me in the back seat before tossing his keys to Mr. Hawkins. "Take my car." He said before getting in next to me. I hadn't even known he was here. Ally got in too and closed the door.

"We should take her to the hospital to get her checked out. She might need a tetanus shot." Capt. Craig said as he climbed into the driver's seat.

As we sped away from the curb, siren blaring, Aidan pulled me into his arms. Being in the back of this car and seeing Capt. Craig up front made me think about Tyler's story. I buried my face in Aidan's chest. Tears were still pouring out of my eyes.

Ally placed her hand gently on my shoulder, "I know right now you are hurting and feel like everything reminds you of him. You're angry. You're thinking 'He was just there for me when I needed someone. What am I supposed to do?' Trust me, I know how you feel. You know I do. It's not easy; it takes time. The nightmares slowly fade and the hole fills in your heart with all the memories of him. You finally reach that point where you can look back and remember him. You can take from the experience and learn to live in the moments." Her voice cracked and she turned her face away from me but kept her hand on my shoulder.

By now we reached the hospital and were pulling up to the emergency entrance. Aidan kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

Once we got inside, it didn't take them long to get me a room. All I had to do was hold up my bloody hand and the lady at the desk ran to find a nurse. After that, they got me into an examine room.

Capt. Neil Craig had been right. After they bandaged up my hand, I was given a tetanus shot. They also found that I had torn some ligaments in my ankle. I thought I had just sprained it when I ran away from Aidan. However, the thing the doctor was concerned about was my behavior. I just sat there quietly with my eyes puffy and red as they poked and prodded me. Any time a few fresh tears dropped, the nurse in the room would squeeze my good hand.

Ally, Aidan, and Capt. Craig all stood in the room as the doctor gave me one last look over, "Some of these cuts in her hand are pretty deep; I had to put in some stitches. I'm concerned about the possibility of infection and I'm going to keep her over night. How did this happen?" "She cut her hand on a fence." Aidan answered. He was standing in a very defensive stance with his arms crossed and his eyes never leaving me. Capt. Craig spoke then, trying to explain the whole situation but I think the doctor just ignored him as he filled out my chart. He only really cared about the 'how' and not the 'why'.

The nurse helped me into a wheel chair to take me to my room.

Everyone followed behind as she wheeled me down the hall to the elevator. That's when I heard my mom. I could hear her all the way in the lobby cursing the traffic, "This is ridiculous! I forgot how much I loathe taxis. I am never calling that cab company again! Where is my baby?" Ally waved to my mom, "Over here." Mom came running and joined us in the elevator. "I was so worried. Are you alright, sweetie?" She asked as we went up to the fifth floor. I just tugged on her coat to get her to my level and hugged her, "I love you, Mom." Mom hugged me back, "Oh, baby, I love you too." Sometimes I got tired of the cute nicknames but this was one of the people in my life who honestly loved me. I needed her hugs right now.

I got a room all to myself. The nurse, under an audience of watchful eyes, got me into the bed. "It's been a slow evening." She commented as she tucked the blankets around me, "Good news for you. I'll be back in a moment with an IV." The nurse smiled at me as she left the room. Aidan watched her go.

Mom came over and kissed my forehead, "I'm glad you have such good friends. I know that they mostly understand what is going on. I hope that you will fill me in later." I nodded, "I promise." She sighed and looked down at her watch, "Stupid curfew. I'm not a child." "It's fine. You can come early tomorrow." I suggested, reaching out for her. Mom bent down to hug me, "You make sure these people feed you. If you need anything, I am just a phone call away." She started grumbling under her breath about taxis and Capt. Craig caught her before she got out the door. "Ma'am, I can take you back." He offered. Mom's face lit up, "Oh, really? It wouldn't be any trouble?" "No trouble at all." He replied. Capt. Craig led her out of the room.

Aidan moved to stand closer to me, "Is there anybody else we can call for you? Just anybody you want to see right now?" "James." I replied, "His number is in my phone. I think the nurse who helped me get in my hospital gown took it and put it up at the front desk for safe-keeping." Ally gave Aidan a 'who is James?' look and he motioned for her to go with him. "Get some rest." Ally said on her way out.

I'm not sure how much time passed, but I was awakened by the sound of something rustling. I opened my eyes and saw James standing on a chair, placing a bouquet of roses on top of the TV. As I became more aware of my surroundings, I noticed there were bouquets all around the room and I was hooked to an IV; I must have been really zonked out. "Did you buy the whole store?" I asked, rubbing my tired eyes. James almost dropped the bouquet when he jumped at the sound of my voice, "Emily! I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" "It's ok. You didn't mean to." I replied. He hopped down off the chair and came over to my bed, "I was trying to surprise you." I propped myself up to get a better look around. "It looks really nice." I told him, "Was the suit a part of your surprise?" James was wearing a black suit; the jacket was draped over the chair by the window and the sleeves of his white shirt were pushed up to his elbows. He looked down, adjusting his tie, "Oh, no. My parents were hosting a dinner party when Aidan called. I had actually been trying to reach you to ask you to be my date for the evening." "I'm sorry." I said. I had turned off my phone when I was about five blocks away from Aidan. He had kept calling. The buzzing had been annoying as I wandered the streets of New York before doubling back to Ground Zero. "Don't say that." James sat on the edge of the bed, "You friend Aidan attempted to explain to me what happened. How are you feeling now?" "Sort of empty." Tears began to form in my eyes. He noticed and lay down next to me. "Everything is going to be alright." James said as he pulled me close to him, keeping his arms around me, "I remember when my grandfather passed away. He was the one I was closest to in my family. I cried for weeks, every night." I snuggled into his arms, pressing myself as close to him as I could get, "I don't like the thought of you so upset." "Then you know what seeing you like this is doing to me." James pressed his forehead against mine, "It's difficult for me to not really be able to help you. All I can say is that the pain will slowly go away. You know, at home I have my grandfather's pocket watch. It doesn't work anymore but I can still take it out, look at it, and be reminded of all the time I had with him. I know it's not quite the same but, you have Tyler's Journal. You…." "James," I stopped him, "I'm sorry, but can we please not talk about that right now?" "Then what would you like to discuss?" He asked, touching my cheek with his fingers. I sighed, "I don't have a clue. I'm actually kind of tired." "Then you should sleep." James said, starting to get off the bed. I grabbed his shirt collar, "Stay. Please." "What if the nurse comes in?" He wondered. "It's pretty late for her to come looking in at me. You could always hide in the bathroom." I suggested. James smiled. "I suppose." He replied, pulling us back together. I rested my head against his chest, listening to his soft breathing. James bent his head and kissed my nose playfully. I attempted to kiss his, but missed and my lips landed at the corner of his mouth. He chuckled then turned so he could kiss me full-on. I placed my good hand on his cheek as I kissed back. James's lips slowly moved against mine, causing a sigh from me. He paused, but only for a moment, "I thought you were tired." "I guess not too tired." I answered before our lips met again.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, James holding me with us just laying there and our lips locked. It felt like I was making up for lost time. At some point my hand had left his face and wandered up to his hair.

We stopped when I ended up yawning.

James laughed, "You need to sleep." He turned off the lamp by us and pulled the blanket up around me, "Good night, Emily." "I love you, James." I said into the darkness. I heard him breathe in sharply in happy surprise. "And you know I love you." James answered back.

I'm really really sorry how long it has taken to get this part up. This month has not been good. Everything seems to be going wrong. And I at the same time attempted to find a happy moment to turn 19. Things are looking up recently. I got to see Harry Potter, twice. I joined a Christoph Waltz fan club. I'm ready as I'll ever be for college.


	21. Chapter 21

When I woke up, James was gone. I sat up and frantically searched the room for him; I was drenched in sweat.

Someone touched my arm and it made me jump. "It's alright, Em. It's me." Aidan said, "Geez, you're burning up." He was sitting on the edge of the chair by me. I ran a hand through my matted hair, "I'm fine. Where's James?" "James left at about five o'clock this morning. His father had tracked him down and he demanded that he come home. Then James got a hold of me and asked me to come sit with you." Aidan replied, "And you are most certainly not fine. I'm calling the nurse." He pressed the button by the bed and my nurse appeared less than a minute later.

"What can I help you with, ?" The nurse asked. "I think Emily has a fever." Aidan answered for me. The nurse pulled a forehead thermometer out of her pocket and pressed it to my head. The thermometer beeped and she looked at the little screen. "One-o-three." She announced, "Let me take a look at your hand."

I held up my hand and the nurse peeked under the bandages. "It looks a little redder than it should." She commented, "This is probably just a mild infection. Let me go speak with your doctor and I'll be right back."

She walked away and I glanced over at Aidan. "She's good-looking." I said to him. "Who?" He questioned. "The nurse." I replied, "Especially with the French accent and all that blonde hair." Aidan shrugged, "Yeah, I guess." "Oh, is she not your type?" I asked him. He snorted, "Every woman is my type." I grinned, "So, then you should talk to her. You keep looking at her." "Yes, but she keeps looking at your doctor. I bet their practicing mouth-to-mouth in his office at this very moment. Oh well, I've seen the French landscape plenty of times." Aidan winked at me. "Um, ok. A little too much information there." I commented.

Just then the nurse came in. I noticed her hair was a bit messed up and had to bite my tongue. "Your doctor thinks it would be best if you stayed another night. I'm going to hook you up to this new IV bag that has some different medication in it that will help clear up the infection." She switched out the bags and turned on her heel to leave, "If you need anything, just call."

Once the nurse's footsteps could no longer be heard in the hallway, Aidan spoke, "I don't really go for that any more though. Right now, I'm focused on the bar and having a great time doing it. I don't want to brag but I have already planted my flag on every continent."

"You travel?" My mom asked from the doorway. Aidan stood up, "Um, yeah, sure. I should probably be heading out to my uh job. Get well, Em." I smiled and shook my head, "Bye Aidan. Hey, sorry I called you an assoholic." "It's ok. Not the first time." He answered from outside the room.

Mom sat on the edge of my bed, "How are you, hun?" "I have a little infection; just need to stay another night." I explained, "They already put me on some meds. How are you?" She patted my leg, "Now you don't worry about me. You just focus on getting better." We sat there in silence for a while until mom asked quietly, "So, um, what all happened with Tyler? I understand if you don't want to talk about it yet." I lend back a little in the pillow, "No. It's ok. I think I can explain. Near the beginning of the school year you know I had that journal you got me for Christmas. I really enjoyed writing in it over the summer but at school it seemed to make me a target. This guy threw it in a puddle and I had to get a new one. I bought one at this little shop. I saw it was used but I just didn't really pay any mind, that is until I ended up reading the first entry. The writer just sort of spoke to me and how I was feeling. Slowly, I read all his entries and wrote back to them. It helped with some things; some things with Dad. You know, Alyssa Craig, our social worker? Well, turns out she was Tyler's girlfriend. Mr. Hawkins, Dad's boss, is Tyler's father. Aidan, who I met totally at random, was Tyler's best friend. The better I got to know Aidan and Ally, everything started to fall into place. The last piece of the puzzle came when I saw photos of Aidan and Ally in Mr. Hawkins office when I went to see Dad. He talked to me about his family and I realized his son Tyler was the person I had been writing to. His son was exactly what I had needed at this time. It was a hurtful shock to me to find out that he had died in the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. I had always felt that someday I would meet him. Mom, I honestly believe all this was meant to happen. I really don't think these people's coming into my life at this point was an accident. They are something I needed." Mom looked down at her hands, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for your more. I'm sorry I got thrown in jail." I sat up and took her hand in mine, "You've been great, Mom. You have always cared about me and only had my best interest in mind. You just hit a rough patch. Sometimes, when you're dealing with stuff, you just need a little outside help." Mom sighed, "I just wish I hadn't let my emotions get the better of me." "You were upset at Dad for what he did. I'm not mad at you for anything. We all do things we aren't particularly proud of." I explained, squeezing her hand gently. "When did you become so grown up?" She asked. I shrugged, "I guess it just was bound to happen. Was it better riding with Capt. Craig than taking a cab?" "Oh it was nice." Mom replied, "Neil is a very nice man." I raised an eyebrow, "Neil?" "Yes." She nodded, "That's what he told me to call him. He thought Capt. Craig was just too formal. Did you know there's this great little place just a block from the home that has some great herbal tea?" "Oh? When did you discover that?" I inquired. "Last night." My mother responded, "Neil offered to get me some." I tried to hide a grin as I attempted to confirm, "So was it a date?" "No." Mom's face turned a light pink, "It was just some friendly chit chat. I'm in my late forties and I live in a home for recovering alcoholics. I'm not exactly a 'dream girl'." I sighed, "Mom, you're great. You're outgoing and funny and caring. Good qualities any guy would go for. And you look great." She rolled her eyes, "Oh, Emily. I'm not sure we are the two best experts on this subject. Me, with a divorce and you being single." I nervously pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. I really needed to tell her about him. "Mom, there's someone you need-." But, at this point, there was no need to explain.

James was standing in the doorway with yet another bouquet of roses. Worst. Timing. Ever.

"Are you looking for someone?" My mother asked my boyfriend. He looked confused, "I'm here to see Emily." I waved, "Um…come on in." Mom looked at me, "Emily, what- who is this?" James came to stand next to me as I explained, "Mom, this is James Watson. He's my…..boyfriend." Her whole face lit up and she winked at me, "Oh! Well, it's certainly nice to meet you James. James? James. I've heard that name…Ah! You were in Emily's class at school." He nodded, "Yes, ma'am. You have a very special daughter." "Well, thank you." She was beaming, "Did you put up all these flowers? I thought maybe Aidan got them but then I saw you with those." James nodded, "Yes. I brought them in late last night." Mom stood up, still smiling at James, "Well it was nice meeting you. Sorry I have to rush of like this but I need to be on my way. I want to grab some breakfast before I head back to the house. The director has a day trip planned for us today." "Have a good time." He said, "It was nice to meet you too." She left then but mouthed "Talk to him!" from the hallway.

James put the flowers in the windowsill then sat on my bed, taking hold of my uninjured hand. "How are you holding up?" He asked. I played with his fingers, "They want to keep me another night. The cuts got infected, but don't worry, I got some medicine for it. I should get out tomorrow." "Tomorrow….." I could tell James was going over a calendar in his head, "Tomorrow Dad, Mom, and I are heading out to spend some time at the house in the Hamptons. They have friends out there. Maybe I can convince them to let me stay behind to help you." "It's not necessary; go spend time with your family. Aiden or Mom can come get me. We can spend time together when you get back." I suggested. "I also would like you to spend time with me and my family." He added, "I want them to know who you are. Not that they do not already know that you are mine since I left the dinner party so abruptly." I felt my face grow warm; I was 'his'. "James, last night was…..very nice." I commented. "Really?" He remarked, "I thought it was almost perfect." "Almost?" I asked. "There are a few things I would change." James explained, "For example, I would change the bed; It could be a bit bigger. I picture a different location, maybe a nice hotel room. I also see you in something else, a lovely lacey nightgown perhaps?" "James!" I exclaimed; I had never seen him this forward before but I smiled at him. He smiled back, "Too soon? Don't worry; I know full well that good things come to those who wait." Just then, James's phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the screen, "My mother wants me home to pack. Will you be ok here?" I nodded, "Yeah, I think I might get some more reset. This new medicine is making me sleepy." "Well then sweet dreams, love." He said, "But before I go, do you remember the first time we kissed?" "Of course." I replied. James lend in close, "I pictured it going just a little differently. Do you mind if I show you?" I inhaled sharply, "No." "Close your eyes." He instructed. I did and I felt his hands hold my face, "Now just imagine, for our first date I take you to a movie and then afterwards we have dinner to discuss it. After we eat, I walk you back to Aiden's apartment. We're standing outside his building and the evening weather is perfect. I tell you I had a great time and that you looking absolutely stunning. You do that cute blush that I adore and then I pull you in close; you act shy but I know what you want. I hesitate, but only for a moment before slowly leaning in." James closed in on me and gently pressed his lips to mine. It was soft and sweet, but filled with a passion I hadn't felt before; it took my breath away. After about a minute, he pulled away. "Now keep your eyes closed." James said, "You will have good dreams." I heard him leave as I laid back down.

I've never slept so well.

First off, let me apologize for making you all wait a completely unacceptable amount of time. I really wish I could sent you a cookie or maybe a whole batch. I cannot let this happen again. I am really really sorry.

The Real Reason I Was Gone So Long: No computer access in the wing of the hospital I have been in. There is a slight chance I might have to go back but it is very slight and I will do my best so as that does not happen but I can't make any promises.

The Reason I Wish I Was Gone So Long: I married Eli Roth and we have been on our honeymoon. *wink wink*


	22. Chapter 22

I think that night after James kissed me was the most pleasantly I had slept in a long time. By this point in my life, I didn't have much to worry over. I was free from my father's financial hold, I had graduated from school, and I was surrounded by people who all seemed to care about me. I was still unsure of my future but with the main stressors of my life gone, I had room in my head to think about it. So far moving, going to college, and staying with James for as long as he wanted me was what I knew I wanted. However, the very first thing I needed to do was to find my way to closure over Tyler.

Tyler had given me a common soul to confide in and listen too. His family and friends still cared about him so I figured I could do the same in my own way and at the same time move on with my life.

I owed him a special place in my heart forever.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of my nurse pushing in the squeaking breakfast cart.

Her lipstick was smeared and I had to stifle a giggle. I guess Aiden was really right about her and the doctor, or at least someone in this hospital.

She reminded me of the Fleur from Harry Potter, in her looks. Maybe she had found her Bill.

As I was breaking off a piece of my blueberry muffin, she looked under my bandage and felt my forehead. "How are you feeling?" She asked. "Good." I replied, "Better." She nodded and wrote something down on the clipboard she had brought in with my breakfast, "You should be able to go home this afternoon. Would you like me to bring you your phone so you can call someone?" I nodded as I reached for the milk, "Yes, thank you."

The nurse returned just as I had finished eating and I thought I heard her whispering to someone just outside my door; probably her kissing partner. She laid the phone on my side table and went out without a word. I know I wasn't as fun to be with as her mystery lover.

I called Mom first and it went straight to voicemail but Aiden answered on the second ring, "What's up buttercup?" "The usual, snickerdoodle." I replied, "I think I've been around you too much. Good news, I get to leave today. Are you free this afternoon? I need a ride." He paused for a moment, "…no good. I've got plans to go see a band…..I could call Ally though. She might be available. Don't worry, I'll figure something out. Be good. Bye cupcake." I shook my head, "I'll try. Bye muffin."

I spent the morning watching the news and feeling like I'd been living around a rock. I had somehow missed the bulk of a presidential election. God, I had been a mess.

The nurse came around eleven to get me off the IV, change my bandages, and help me get dressed.

At noon Ally came, smiling in at me from the doorway. "Looking good." She commented, "All set?" "Yep, just…"I glanced around the room, "….all these flowers." I decided I could just take the most recent ones James had brought and leave the others. They were all nice but I didn't see how I would have room for all of them.

Ally watched me closely as I got into her car, like I was some fragile thing that could shatter at any moment.

I had already done that, now the healing was beginning.

"Anything you need out?" Ally asked as we pulled away from the hospital. "Not really anything I need…just somewhere I'd like to go. But, if you're busy, it's okay. You can just take me back to Aiden's apartment." "It's no problem." She said, "I have the day off so I am all yours." I was hesitant to ask her to take me to where I wanted to go; I had no idea how she would feel about this or how she would react.

"I would like to go see Tyler's resting place." I said.

Ally didn't say anything.

"I don't know how else to get some closer." I said.

Ally stared straight ahead.

She drove on wordlessly for about an hour until suddenly turning and speeding up. Trees wizzed passed out the window.

We came to a quick stop outside a cemetery gate. "This is it." Ally said. "Thank you." I replied quietly and stepped out of the car. I really needed to do this to move on.

"In all this time, I've never visited him." Ally muttered.

"Maybe today is the day." I told her, going on ahead.

I walked through the rows of grave markers, going down in alphabetical order until I found his name.

Tyler Hawkins and Michael Hawkins lay side by side.

I had to sit down.

How do you talk to a stranger? Or rather, a stranger you know but they don't know you? Or maybe even a stranger who knows you too much?

Maybe not even a stranger at all.

I didn't think; I just pressed ahead as I sat in front of this person I could write to but found it difficult to speak to now, " I guess….I know 'thank you' is in order. You just….ugh, god this is weird….you just where there. Not you, the journal, but it was your journal and I don't believe it came to me by accident. I believe that God or fate or whatever meant for this to happen. I needed you and your words. We were hurting, internally, and writing was the best way to get it out. Your progress and expression helped me to do the same. I honestly have no idea where I would be without you. I wish I could have known you when you lived. I wish I could have stopped you from dying. But, I can't and I have to accept that. You have people here who care about you and love you and I am sure somehow you know that. I think we both found who we were and who we were meant to be with. You live on and I know I can do the same here. You were a good man, Tyler Hawkins and no one will ever forget you or your life. Thank you for helping me in mine."

I sat there for a few more minutes to take it all in and just enjoy the silence. I heard footsteps behind me then heard a soft sniffle.

I stood up and placed a rose on each headstone before slow moving away. I passed Ally and gently touched her shoulder, "I'll get my stuff out of your car then get a cab." She opened her mouth to protest but I shook my head, "Really. You need this. I'll be fine." Ally touched my cheek and looked at me for a moment before going on towards Tyler with a slow walk.

I'll be fine.

Now, I will be fine.

(Let me just say how sorry I am about how long I let this go. I just needed some time to myself because I had been dealing with being diagnosed with depression and anxiety; I had no idea how to handle it or who to get help from so that took a while. I don't think I want to even look at the date this story was last update. I apologize for being so behind on this. On the upside: I'm doing better, I'm studying in London until the end of April, and I have book for young readers coming out this summer. There are two parts left to this story and I hope get them done and up. Again, really sorry about all this.)


	23. Chapter 23 (Last Chapter)

Nine Months Later:

James' shirt was in a crumpled heap beside the couch as we lay on a blanket between it and the fireplace. His warm lips brushed skillfully down my chilled neck. I had barely stepped inside when he rushed me over to the fireplace to proudly show off that he had made such a beautiful blaze. James had put down a soft blanket and brought out a bottle of wine as I glanced around his home.

The two of us were taking a year off before going to college, mainly for me to save up some more money because I wanted to go to school in London. I worked with Aiden at the Coffee Bar and still lived with him in his apartment. He divided the bedroom by putting up a curtain and putting in a second bed so I didn't have to sleep on the couch. It took me a while to get used to his snoring.

James moved out of his parents' home and out of the city. He bought a lovely little brick house and got a job as a tour guide at a lighthouse just off the coast.

Every weekend we weren't working, we spent together.

I really liked his little house; I thought it was more 'him' than that huge place his parents owned. I was learning that he did know how to do quite a lot of things for himself, although any time I was over, I offered to do the dishes because I knew how much he hated doing them.

When James went to get the wine, I looked across his mantle. There was one picture of him with his parents and the rest were of him and me: us in front of his Christmas tree, us in Times Square at New Years, and us kissing in Central Park during a picnic.

I was sitting back into the cushions of his couch when he returned with the bottle and two stemmed glasses. "Underage drinking; what would mummy and daddy think?" I asked playfully. "They are the ones who gave me this as a housewarming gift. They do not understand your American age limit on drinking." James replied as he poured the red liquid into the clear crystal, "Our first Valentine's Day together is a special occasion and deserves to be celebrated with a toast." I nodded in agreement and clinked my glass against his. James took a second sip before joining me on the couch, "So, I rented some romance movies if you would like to have a look through them and pick one for us to watch."

We didn't even make it half way through the film when James put his arm around me which lead to me massaging his knee which lead to him kissing the crook of my neck. At some point we made it off the couch and on to the blanket where I worked my hands under his shirt then pulled it over his head. It lay there by the couch as I moved my hands across his chest and to his shoulders to pull him down on me closer.

"That movie didn't get good reviews anyway." James said, moving his mouth back to mine. I smiled against his lips; James had become more humorous since living on his own. His left hand gently held my face as he rolled us over so I was now on top. I took this opportunity to run my fingers down the back of his neck which always made him shiver. "God…" James breathed, rolling us back to our starting position. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself." I said. "Are you?" he asked. I nodded, "Yeah…it's just a little cold on the floor even with the blanket, but everything else is nice." "Allow me to fix that." James said then scooped me up.

He carried me down the hall to his bedroom and sat me down on his bed, wasting no time to return to kissing me. My heart was going a hundred miles a minute and my skin was warm with a blush. I was not expecting him to bring me in here.

"Better?" James asked as he toyed with the bottom of my blouse. "Well, sort of…" I replied, "I thought you were just going to move us back onto the couch." "Oh, well, I just thought this would give us more room." He said, pulling slightly away to look me in the eyes, "Are you alright?" I propped myself up on my elbows, "This is…different. Not bad, just different. We don't normally, uh, do anything in this room." James frowned and his forehead creased with concern, "I am sorry that I have made you uncomfortable." "No. No. I'm fine." I said, "Just…where is this going now that we are on your bed?" "Where would it go?" He asked. "Where do you want it to go?" I asked. "You first." James insisted.

"Well…I have been thinking about this lately and thought that I am ready to spend the night." I said in a rush. He cocked an eyebrow at me so I restated, "I want to sleep with you."

When the realization hit, an array of emotions flicked across James' face: a tint of nervousness and a light smile that pulled at the corners of his mouth.

"So…what do you think about that?" I asked. "Sounds like what I have thought over as well." He replied, giving me a light peck, "Are you sure about this?" I nodded, "Yes." James reached up to slide one of his pillows under my head, "Do you need to leave early for work or to visit your Mum?" I shook my head, "Aiden gave me the weekend off and Mom is gone on a trip with Neil. They seem to really be getting along well lately." "Good." He said, "Then I will have time to make you breakfast. Anything else you want to discuss?" "…You do have condoms, right?" I blushed at the thought of having to run out now and buy some. "In my bedside drawer." James gestured to the left behind my head, "I…ehuh…bought some a few months back." "James!" I slapped his arm, "Why didn't you tell me? We could have talked about this sooner if you wanted to." "I didn't want to rush us into anything! I just got them to have whenever the need should arrive. I don't think I was ready then anyway. This is a big step for us." He said in defense. I relaxed into the soft pillow, "Oh…thank you; sorry I snapped at you. You are a great boyfriend because you always let me in on what you are thinking." James smiled down at me and gave me another light kiss, "That is how it should be. Just one more thing. I have a present for you."

He left the room for a moment then returned with a little red box. I grinned, "Is it Valentine's candy?" "I do not think you will be able to guess this." James replied, "I hope you like it better than any candy I could have gotten you." "I'm sure I will love whatever it is." I said.

James handed me the box tied up with a red bow; it had a velvety texture to it and fit in the palm of my hand. "Theater tickets?" I asked him. He grinned, "Nope; no guessing. Just open it please."

I untied the bow and carefully lifted up the lid.

"James…" I couldn't breathe.

He just smiled at him.

"What?" I stummered, "Why?"

"Because I love you and there is not a single soul on this Earth I love more than you." He replied, "Would you like to try it on?"

I nodded wordlessly and James took the box gently from my hands. He pulled out the golden diamond ring and slid it into place on my left hand.

"It's beautiful." I commented, "When did you buy it?" "Last week." He said, "So?" "So what?" I laughed lightly trying to hold back my tears. "Do you need the full affect?" He asked.

"No, James…"I protested, but he moved off the bed to get down on one knee and took hold of my hand.

"Emily Carson, will you marry me?"

"Oh my God…"I had to pause to wipe my eyes.

"Yes." I answered.

James grinned widely at me, "I promise to be the best husband to the best of my ability. There is nothing I would not do for you."

"Perfect." I said, "Now, get back on the bed."

"Yes, Ma'am." He sat the ring on his bedside table then pushed me back into the mattress.

((This is the final chapter but there will be an epilogue to finish it all up. Thank you all for jumping back in with me. I hope you have enjoyed this story.))


	24. Epilogue

Dear Tyler,

I know I am not the one who normally writes to you, but I am sure once you hear the situation you will understand why it is me and not Emily penning this. However, I believe it would be best for me to tell you what has happened these years since she and I left New York City. I know Emily never wrote you after we came to England but I am sure I can satisfy you with a decent explanation for that. Just to be clear, she absolutely never forgot about you.

Emily and I left for London the summer after we were engaged. We spent those months in a flat in a slightly doggy part of the city but the flat was lovely, had excellent security, good internet, and was right by an underground station. We were dedicated to college applications most evenings but made time for nights out. Our hard work paid off and we both made it into colleges at Oxford; we skipped dorm life and switched to a flat there. I studied Literature and Education while Emily went for Creative and Technical Writing.

After we completed our degrees, we went back to New York to get married. Her mother, Aiden, Ally, your father, your mother, your stepfather, and Ally's father were all in attendance. Caroline and her girlfriend came all the way from Italy, where she was living permanently. She and Emily had recently struck up quite a friendship through emails. Caroline's girlfriend was a lovely Italian woman with the kindest spirit. The most surprising guests were Emily's stepsisters. Through Ally we learned that Emily's father's temper had worsened and this resulted in him becoming overly strict and frequently yelling at the girls for no reason. Ally was called in when Michelle and Mandy were caught with alcohol on school property. There was talk of talking them out of the home, which led to Emily discussing the situation with me the night before our wedding. We agreed swiftly that the next school year, the girls should come live with us. This probably was not the happiest topic to discuss the day before our "Big Day', but it displayed one of the many things that made me love Emily beyond words. She was the bravest person I had ever known. At one o'clock on the morning, hours before the ceremony, Emily called her father to let him know that if he did not let Mandy and Michelle come live with us, she would write to every local newspaper about everything that had happened while she lived in his house. I wish I could have somehow been able to see his face. Needless to say, neither he nor his wife had been invited to our wedding.

We had a beautiful little wedding at St. Paul's Chapel. Emily chose the place and it took me a while to figure out why. St. Paul's is the oldest surviving church in New York. It survived the 9/11 attacks and was a place of rest for all who helped in the aftermath. I think she believed that made her closer to you; it was the best she could have in place of you actually being at our wedding. Emily never discussed her choice with me but I have a feeling as to the reasoning behind it. She opened up a lot to me about you but some things she still kept to herself. We all made that chapel the perfect place for the ceremony. Emily's mother walked her down the aisle, crying the whole way. My parents were away on a trip but managed to send me a bottle of champagne and a card. Aiden took a billion pictures.

We honeymooned in Chicago, spending most of our time at the museums and in the hotel room. I had never seen a lake as large as Lake Michigan before.

After the honeymoon we returned to England and moved to Windsor because I had been offered a job at Eton. Emily started out at the local library and in time saved up to start her own bookstore and even published a few of her own. A few months after we moved, Emily's stepsister joined us. There was an almost instant improvement in their attitudes. They did well in school and both got scholarships to colleges in London. A year later, after Michelle and Mandy had moved on from college to internships, Emily found out she was pregnant. On Febraury 6th our son Tyler Aiden Watson was born. We made a trip back to the states so everyone could see him. Ally greeted us with her new daughter Amelia from Uganda and Ally's father proposed to Emily's mother at the airport. They married a week later so we could be there to witness it.

But that was all a lifetime ago. Almost everyone is gone now.

I am writing to you because Emily is very sick. At age 81, her health is failing. Our son is away with the Peace Corp and he is trying everything to get home but right now she needs you. I don't know what the afterlife holds but please, if you could, look after her for me.

Please, I love her. She is my world and I need her to be looked after while we are apart.

Please, Tyler. Please.

_Emily sat on a bench in Central Park. It seemed like a normal day except the park was completely deserted and a mist hung on the ground. She sat in the stillness, squinting into the fog._

_Then, just ahead, she saw a figure._

"_Hello?" She called out._

_No answer._

"_Um…Hello?" She repeated._

_The figure drew closer, moving quickly into her sights._

"_Emily." The voice said._

"_Who are you?" Emily asked._

"_It's me. I'm here." It answered._

"_James?" She asked as she stood up._

"_No." The voice replied then came right up on her._

"…_Tyler?"_

_He was a living photograph. _

_Emily reached out to pull him in for a tight hug._

_Her eyes teared up._

"_James?" She asked._

"_He'll, be alright. I'm going to be here for you until he comes." Tyler said._

"_Is everyone else here?" Emily inquired._

"_Yes." Tyler answered, taking her by the hand, "You can see them."_

"_I missed you…in my own way." Emily said giving his hand a light squeeze._

"_I know." Tyler replied, "I missed you too."_

_Then, together, they walked into the end._

((And that's the end! I guess had I to come all the way to England to get inspired to finish it. I have been playing around with Inglourious Basterd fanfictions so those might be coming at some point. Thank you so much for reading and leaving reviews. I loved this movie so much, and you know what's weird? Tomorrow on one of the channels here they are showing Remember Me! Perfect timing. Until next time, loves!))


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